break

I'm taking a break for a little while. My love and gratitude to all of you...for so many things. I just need some sleep.

Mein Haus ~ Et... Siete Mas

Family at The Magnolia Pancake Haus ~ summer 2008
We were in San Antonio and I "googled" best places to eat in SA. We ate breakfast here 3 mornings in a row. One Fine Man got blueberry pancakes, Guitar Girl got buckwheat pancakes. TechSon got oatmeal cookie pancakes, SkateBoy got French Toast...and I got bacon pancakes and convinced One Fine Man to trade one of his for one of mine because savory and sweet are the PERFECT combination.

Caught in the rain while grillin' for TechSon's birthday party (3 yrs ago)

My son...in a wig...the wig that we have all worn around here...yeah, we do stuff like that. The soul patch is his. I won't be sporting one of those. I hope.
A cheese stick...

In receiving this, I am to tell 7 things about myself. I'll try to think of 7 things I haven't already blogged.

Thank you for the award, Mindy. Find Mindy blogging here.

* I sometimes read the dictionary for... fun? (I get distracted by so many etymologies.)

* The "sounds" of the FoodNetwork are soothing. (The "sounds" distract me from the runaway horses in my head. See? I just thought of Gunsmoke. Oh...Miss Kittie.)

* When a person's gestures don't match his words, it's distracting.

* My handwriting keeps me from writing by hand. It distracts me.

* Sometimes when I tell a story (talking), I get distracted by my own details. Writing is better.

* I like to write really silly short "poems." It's a fun distraction.

* I wrote two silly poems for Andrew (about Ted) to distract him from being in a bad place.

I am passing the award along to the beautiful Quirky Girl .

If you would like to, Quirky Girl, pass along the award and tell 7 things about yourself.

Revisiting ~ GOD VISITS IN THE VALLEY ~

Yesterday I reposted Restless Heart written in July 2009. Today I am revisiting February 2009. Out of a searching of my own heart and mind, I am revisiting my own thoughts. Following some sections I will put today's thoughts in blue. A year ago I entitled this entry God Visits In the Valley.

Excerpted in part from God Visits In the Valley from 2/09 ~

"As a babe in the womb, I was in church. My parents were in full time ministry so, naturally, my mother carried me to church from the very beginning. But it was not only in church that I learned about praying and hearing God's voice."

Because my parents were in full time ministry up until 2 years ago, so much of who I am and how I deal with life is a direct result of living life in a parsonage. Just like anyone else, there is the good, the really good, the bad and the real bad. Having said that, I realize some children have lives that are most often in the real bad category. And for that, I am so sorry. A person's 'filter' is greatly influenced by the growing up years. For better. For worse. That is life. And if I had to change anything, there would be only a few things here and there. So that is good and I am grateful.

"It was under the tutelage of both my parents (at church and at home) that I learned to pray and listen to God. I grew up hearing my father call my name in prayer as well as the names of my brothers and our church family. Many afternoons I came home from school to hear my mother from her bedroom crying out to God on behalf of our family and church members. Hearing your parents pray and shed tears like that changes who you are. It stays with you. And their sharing the things that God impressed on them as a result of their devotion and prayer led me to want to pray and hear from God, too."

Church Family ~ we had a lot of 'church family.' My dad was one of those pastors who got called upon to move across country and 'fix' a problem. One problem he 'fixed' meant that at one place we only stayed 3 months. God graced my dad to use humor in the pulpit to help heal a church who had just gone through a devastating split. The Holy Spirit worked through Dad and Mother and the balm of Gilead was worked through the church in that "merry heart" kind of way. Please know that I am literally talking about people in the pews laughing at my dad's "funnies."

(From kindergarten - 12th grade, I lived in 10 different cities in 7 states ~ I think that's right. I may have "new girl" syndrome, too. Oh well. Everybody has a story and mine has some funny parts.)

"I have noticed in my life, and that of other Christians, that walking through a valley often results in a desperation to know HIM more and to hear from HIM ~ to follow hard after HIM and to lean heavily upon HIM. It is while walking through my own valley recently, that I have sought HIM more desperately, and heard HIM more clearly."
The valley I walked through last year this same time would be a welcome exchange from the one I walk now. To be honest, some days I am not really walking...I am sitting in a fog. I am screaming when no one else is home, my hot face pressed to the relief of cold tile floor. I am trying to get my breath. I am trying not to get too defensive even though I am rubbed raw by the "stuff" that came with cancer in a young son's brain that resulted in his death. (But...I think I get an "F" or maybe a "D-" on the defensive part.)

I understand how a dash of salt in well meaning words stings even though that was not the dasher's intent. One thing is certain in this valley, too, I want HIM. My heart longs for HIM. A friend, who is currently walking through a horrible valley herself, told me a few weeks ago that my "grief is too loud for me to hear HIM." This same message came from two sources who do not know each other. I think it is true and there is no sting.

"The 23rd Psalm speaks of walking through a valley.
Notice how the psalmist goes from talking about God: 'The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down; He leads me; He restores…'to talking to God.
'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; You are with me; Your rod and staff comfort me; You prepare a table; You anoint my head with oil...' "

While we would seldom, if ever, choose the valley, it is often a valley experience that enables us to go deeper with God.
It is as if God says, 'I've been expecting you; let’s visit.' And so like any good host, He prepares a table (v. 5a) and he refreshes his guest (v. 5b). The anointing oil of verse five is not the priestly anointing oil, but the Oriental perfumed oil ~ a sign of favor and excellent hospitality."

I have thoughts on why things are allowed in this life but I will not attempt to write about that in any kind of depth. I am in a place where I realize I may change my mind about some things in 6 weeks or 6 months. This is all I will say about it: When Adam and Eve sinned and the earth was cursed, I believe that evil in all of its forms was then allowable. Sin and its fall-out, including disease, was allowed with that first bite of disobedience. So I am not convinced that things are either "allowed" or "dis-allowed" on a case by case, person by person, basis.

However, I am THANKFUL, FILLED WITH GRATITUDE, that the Second Adam, Jesus, took the whipping ("chastisement" ~ Isaiah 53:5) for our peace.

"If you find yourself walking through a valley, pull up a chair, sit down, and visit with God. He has a table ready and he’s an excellent host."

Pull up a chair...or just lie on the ground with a stone (or a tile floor) for your pillow. Either way HE is already there. And HE is most excellent.
If you should care to read the original post, it is here. (photo ~unknown source)

***Just so you know...I do not see any salt shakers in the comments you ever leave her. Thank you.

Restless Heart in the "Daddy Lap"

Last year I posted this on another blog that I have. Or had. It is from July 2009. Oh...just to have some of those sounds back this very moment. And some extra boy clutter.

"Today my heart is restless. My senses seem to be highly sensitive. The sounds in my home sound louder. The clutter is more cluttery. And my mental to-do list? It's getting on my last nerve.
But I also sense a tug at my heart. In fact I think it may be the remedy for my restless heart.

Like A Natural Woman ~ Morning Prayer

To my Abba, who bequeathed us with intellect, creativity and choice. We have it all in an age where footpaths and sky overhead are so much less than the Garden view.
Natural man with his feel like a natural woman ate an apple and the buffet was downgraded.
But, You, You gave your heart, the Apple of Your eye. So natural man and this feel like a natural woman were rescued by spiritual man, the Son of God and Son of man.
That is the miracle. There is the healing. Manifest in the Second Mile Man. Metaphors mix in a revved up mind.
Come to the table! Come break the bread...
And I hear a young son's voice say, "This is amazing."

Oh Abba, when will dinner be ready? I'm famished.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natural Face Woman

(I always wear a necklace with my "jail house rock" pajamas.)

~~~

2oo8 ~ at the Chinese restaurant

(How many men can say they're able to hide in the shadow of their wife's head?)

~~~

Andrew sneaks in the picture again...

(After I saw this photo, I made a trip to Dillard's to see Olga in lingerie. Oh gravity.)

First the Natural, Then the Spiritual ~ Or So I've Heard...

Before the alarm went off this morning, I was in that place between sleep and wake. In that state of half-way, I remembered my icy drive last January from Denver to One Fine Man. The dream thoughts nagged me and my teacher mind said, "first the natural and then the spiritual."

And I sighed and covered my face. No more seasons of pain and puzzle pieces for awhile please. Just let me be. But YOU know best.

This morning after One Fine Man hugged and kissed me and walked out the door, I searched for this post. The "natural" post. I think I must now be living the "spiritual."

If you have any interest in reading the full post from January 13, 2009, it's here. Almost a year to the date...and my heart is pounding because the "ride" is frightening and the "trip" is a nightmare.

Partial repost from 1/13/09 ~

"My day began at 4:45 a.m. After two flights and a layover, I arrived in Denver. I picked up my rental car and the most frightening ride of my life began. The first half hour was not bad. The rest of the trip was a nightmare.

The winds were so high in the mountain passes I thought at any moment my vehicle would be blown over the divider to plunge how far - I had no clue. Later I heard the winds were gusting in excess of 85 - 100 mph. Then it began to snow. I have lived in Florida for 19 years. Enough said. White knuckling the steering wheel, I prayed. I sang. I cried. I told myself to focus, focus, focus. I thought about pulling over for a while but the idea of driving the rest of the way in the dark was scary, too. Then there were the signs:

Gusty winds, Avalanche, Falling rocks, Icy roads.

Finally, I arrived at the hospital. I sat in the car a few minutes thanking God I had made it.When I got to the 2nd floor and stopped at the nurses desk, several of the staff on duty looked at me, their mouths open. “You drove in this?” they asked. One nurse hugged me and asked if I was all right. With her kindness, I could only nod, my tears threatening to spill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this picture on an old blog post today. At times, Andrew and I played Scrabble a lot. Sometimes we could only come up with 3 and 4 letter words. Some days we would keep the board up for hours and work a little at a time. "I went. It's your turn, Mom." I miss my Scrabble buddy. I miss my boy. One more morning, one day closer.

To One Fine Man ~ love poetry

"TO ONE FINE MAN"
By Melanie Dorsey

To One Fine Man
You fell in love with a girl who had dreams
Wearing a teal dress with a big wide bow.
You know the one.
You’ve told me so.

To One Fine Man
Who gives me room to breathe and think,
Even when my thoughts and words crowd yours.
Tease me, smile my way and wink.
Days, months, years
In cash flow and red ink.
Big laughs,
Giant tears.

To One Fine Man
Smoothed my hair and held me close,
Prayed me through when shadows rose.
Now you shoulder your load and mine,
Richer, pure love over time.

To One Fine Man
Who loves this woman
Who spins big dreams
With words in song, prayer, poetry
Come, lie awhile and spin with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(photo by one of my boys; video by Mel)

Daddy Lap ~ Morning Prayer

2/11/10
Oh Abba, dear Abba, Let me climb up in your daddy lap and cry awhile. The heart of Daddy protects and provides. That’s what I need today. For you well know the enemy of my soul seeks to sift and destroy. But, You, Daddy ~ You are on guard. You wall me in. Your hand upon my head is both my father and my mother. The maternal hand smoothes furrowed brow and whispers words in dulcet tones while Daddy’s arms are strong and gentle. So safe is Daddy’s lap for daughter.
I am yours. You are mine.
Now in His Name who fixed my way to Father, Amen.

~~~~~~~

(photo by Linda Charlene)

No Box! ~ Morning Poetry

No Box!

by Melanie Dorsey

A box cannot contain my love for you nor who you are.
Not any kind of box.
Not the ones that will store clothes and toys and boy stuff.
Not the one that holds a jar of clay in a place it hurts to see your name.
Andrew C. Dorsey.
It seems so wrong.
It hurts so much.
But listen!
Listen to my heart.
The place where names are eternal,
That’s where your name belongs and is.
In a book, not on a box .
In a book, not on a name plate under the red flowers.
In a book, the Lamb’s Book,
Where Eternal Life has signed your name.
Andrew Christopher Dorsey

~~~~~

(photograph by Linda Charlene)

The UPS man just came. Only 2 labels. So one box left here. Thank you for praying. It was hard. I told the man. I cried. He said he was sorry. Me, too.

Edited ~ "REMAIN" ~ Morning Poetry & Pictures

Edited to add ~ The medical supply place in Gainesville sent boxes for us to return the medical stuff...wheelchair (hate typing that), feeding pump, i.v. stand (hate typing that, too). The boxes came a few days ago and startled me because I couldn't remember what it was for. They had Andrew's name on the label and it totally confused me for most of the day. Then it dawned on me.

Today, without warning, the UPS truck came for the boxes. We didn't have them ready. I cannot look at these things. I asked my husband to put them all in the garage weeks ago...8 weeks ago.

I haven't asked for prayer in awhile. I am asking now. My husband will have to do all of this because I just can't. But the UPS man will be back tomorrow and I will be here alone. I will have to get the boxes to him and I am so afraid of seeing those boxes. My heart beats faster and I get hot and choked up just thinking about it. So, I just need prayer for myself...for our family.

Thank you.

update to above ~ He is boxing the stuff right now. I will leave them in the garage and when the UPS man comes, I will just raise the garage door. It will be ok.

"Remain"

by Melanie Dorsey

Empty vessels,

Jars of clay
We are yours.
Have your way.
In us,
Around us,
Beneath us,
Everywhere.
In dancing,
In mourning.
Fill.
Empty.

But remain.

(photo by Linda Charlene)

Just going through some pictures...


So Andrew...I just love him...and oh...how I miss him.



The Fam...in Gruene, TX
Short-haired girl, shaggy boys!
That T-shirt One Fine Man is wearing is one of 2 I have threatened to burn. I have just seen enough of them...especially 2 years in a row in our Thanksgiving pic! But, I sure love the man inside the T.

(taken spring -09...before the nightmare began)

'Can't help lovin' that man of mine...

One Fine Man sent me the sweetest email from work yesterday. He is so patient with me. I have books everywhere, get the bed made maybe 2 x a week, leave dishes in the sink until a burst of adrenaline hits me...and I'm pretty much a mess most of the time now. But he loves me.

Rock Me ~ Morning Prayer

2/8/10
Abba,
To “be still and know” seems not enough. Or too much. In the silence, I stifle a scream. In the stillness, my body rocks. Back and forth. An empty chair moved by the wind. In this world, we will have trouble. Be of good cheer? Yes, alright. The eternal truth that You, indeed, have overcome is the only promise that my heart hears, that my frame obeys.
But not for long. The sighs, the moans, my son’s name under my breath, and the agitated movement of his mother’s body begin again. Yet there will be a day when morning brings more than mourning and silence and stillness are no longer my enemies. Others confide it happens. It must.
My love to You this morning, Abba, for perhaps it is Your ruah that rocks me.

(photo by Linda Charlene)

ruah ~ Hebrew: wind, breath, Spirit

Sunday Morning Prayer ~ Nevertheless...

2/7/10
Abba,
I am not angry with you; I feel I must tell you this, though you are well acquainted with my thoughts and my ways. Remember Friday afternoon when I told you “I miss You”? It is true. I miss our companionship when I thought I understood You. But I am finding I do not understand Your thoughts, Your ways, Your timing. I know the oft-quoted scripture that Your ways and thoughts are higher than mine. But I thought You were the revealer of Your mystery. Remember You said to call unto You and You would answer? You would show me great and mighty things that I do not know. Do You reveal your mysteries? Or was that just for Jeremiah? See, Abba? I do not know the answers. But this I do know. You loved me before I knew You. You sent your only begotten Son that I might have a chance at life. And your Son, my friend, my brother, asked if there was another way. There wasn’t. I wanted another way. Nevertheless…

(photo by Linda Charlene)

Morning Prayer ~ My Rizpah

Abba,
Did ancient Rizpah pray to you as she beat off birds by day and beasts by night? I imagine her hands never resting and her heart beating fast.
I want to know, did she feel her mind would go before her body? But the King intervened…finally. Her sons’ honor restored and thus hers.
You see the birds that swoop. You hear the snarl of beasts. You, my King, are my only hope. Restore, I pray to You.

Jesus’ Name, Amen.

photography by Linda Charlene

(Note to readers: The concept of "mourning" prayers in my "morning prayers" is not lost on me. Yes, these are words from a grieving mother. We so often pray from our "location" and grief is where I am.)

Unfamiliar with the story of Rizpah, I write about her here.

The Bitter & The Balm ~ Friday Morning Prayer

Abba, how is the bitter and the balm so strangely juxtaposed? The quaking and the calm within one breath ~ such a mystery. Whether in my flesh or of the spirit, I do not know, exists a conversation that were it truth, my heart would sing. But I’ve been wrong before and now my fear, a cold water plunge, brings me back to icy reality. Even the temporary has a sting. Lift my eyes to the eternal, is my prayer today. May the balm grow and the bitter diminish. It will be enough. For YOU are.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
(photo ~ Linda Charlene)

My Two Mamaws

My two mamaws,

Mamie Jane and Josie May.
Initials transposed,

Faith exposed.
Trusting in a Savior
Neither one could see.
Hands served and hands raised,
Suppers on tables,
God they praised.
I want to be
What they showed me.
Both in Heaven
Glory Be!

~~~

I have been thinking about my two mamaws lately. I guess because I hope they were present to welcome their great grandchild into Heaven. Andrew will love them!

Mamie Jane, a Mississippi woman and Josie May, a Louisiana woman...both women of God. Loving Jesus...loving their families...southern cooking loved by all whose feet found rest 'neath their tables.

And I am Melanie Jane.

(photo by Linda Charlene)

My Morning Prayers

For the past three mornings I have written a prayer from my heart to my Father.
photography by my friend ~ Linda Charlene

The morning of 2/4/10
"Abba, the ancient Homer said it is a “disgrace to stay long and return empty.” But who is he? Just a Greek. You, Father, are Creator. Your hand tips and empties. Your hand scoops and fills. I will stay long with you, and empty or full, I will not be disgraced. Like your son, I have set my face like flint and I will not be ashamed. In the strong name ~ Jesus ~ Amen."


The morning of 2/3/10
"Father, as I seek Your face, I realize there is no where else to go. Wherever I go, You find me. You breathe and I am moved under your maternal wing. I stir and Your eye is ever watchful. I tell You I trust You with my treasures. Some are here. Some are there. All are in Your keeping. The night is long but the moon still shines on the water. In the name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen"

The morning of 2/2/10
"Father, your grace is enough. Perfect your strength in my weakness, for I am weak and undone. And may I take pleasure in distresses that the power of your son may rest upon me. Regardless of my heart break, may You lead me in triumph and allow me to spread the fragrance of Christ as I stand, as I walk,as I kneel. Your will is the only way for me. In the name above all names ~ Jesus ~ Amen."

"Stand By Me" Unplugged

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Thank you for standing by me...

My girl & me singing "Stand By Me" recorded 2/1/10

(I'm not sure how to fix this so you can see Audra but here is the you tube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvfgqVY9beE