I can breathe again. Thank you for your kind words and prayers.
I ran last night. I ran fast and it felt good. After the first mile I pulled the elastic that held my hair and slipped it over my wrist. Immediately I felt the tension ease from my scalp. The breeze blew my hair over my shoulders. I thought about people who are hurting and want so badly for the tension and pain they face to be gone. To ease. To let up.
|Andrew faces the wave.|
I thought of someone I know who has faced many losses in her life and I have more compassion for her than ever before. She has made unwise decisions in her desperation for the emotional pain to ease. I understand her better now.
Yesterday I read Psalm 27 ~ Andrew's psalm.
I thought how often I read those fourteen verses to Andrew, over Andrew and as a prayer for Andrew.
The 13th and 14th verses read:
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!"
Yesterday the ocean's waves settled a bit. I was able to stand again and take a deep breath.
Today I will fix my hair. I will remove the weeks old polish from a gift certificate pedicure my good friend gave me. I will put some tea bags on my swollen eyes. I will bake some banana bread and some pumpkin spice muffins, too.
I will read 5 Psalms and a Proverb. I will be grateful for the gift of mothering Andrew for nearly 13 years. I will smile at the thought of seeing him again and kissing those "freckers."
|Andrew ~ summer '09|
People who have walked this same path tell me I am experiencing the normal process of grieving. An employee of Hospice, who also lost a son, told me it was two years before she felt like herself again.
I will do my best to live in my present and invest in my future. I will lay up my treasure in Heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys nor thieves break in and steal.
|My husband and our boys, Avery & Andrew ~ summer '09|
I do not know how many more times the wave of intense emotional pain will knock me underwater. But I am determined to build myself up in the "meantimes" so that I know without fear of doubt that my life is preserved by the One who will never leave me. Just as I know He was in the middle of the storm with me last year, I know He is in the midst of the waves as well.
|My niece, Hayley...I wrote the verse to accompany her joyous jump!|
"She leaps in the sunset,
Water at her feet.
Arms in joyful pose,
Blessings are replete."