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Oct 26, 2010

Faith Under Water

This morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I didn't look like me. I was me but it was definitely the rough, ragged, barely hanging on version of me. My hair was dirty. My eyes were terribly swollen and I was on day two of a migraine. I had not slept well in a few nights and I had not felt happiness in several days.

In this season of grief, it seems I get 2 - 3 weeks of feeling "just ok" and having some happy moments and even some laughs. Then a crashing wave of overwhelming emotion, sadness and depression knocks me to my knees and under the salty water I am turned and tossed, not able to identify which way is above the water.

I try very hard to get back up and gasp fresh air. But the force of the rolling ocean's wave is brutal.
While underwater, I cry and pray and plead with the One who created the tides to bring me some relief. I sort by memory the scriptures which promise the ever present fellowship of the Lord and the peace He left us. I consider many times making a call for help here and a cry for help there for something that I cannot seem to give to myself. But I am afraid to divulge too much because I can't control the response nor the outcome. And I know, too, that as ferocious as the wave is, the water will calm again. Finally the rolling wave will subside and I will stand upright again.

Yesterday I began to consider that the overwhelming wave that comes is sent as an attack by that old enemy and liar, the accuser.
I know that there is a process to grieving and yet I also know that I have been in the Refiner's fire and God is engraving a message on my heart.
In the *message that I gave at the Ladies Tea in MD last month I spoke of three questions that I had asked of God in the nine months since Andrew's Heavenly Homegoing.

1. If You are not who I thought You were, then who are You?

2. What do you want from me?

3. What can I expect from You?

So whether I face sunshine, rain or crashing waves, still my faith endures and by God's grace, I will deliver His message of hope, healing and Heaven's reward.

However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 18:8

*If you are interested in a DVD of that message, let me know in a comment.


  1. Oh Mel my heart is breaking here for you, you have described me perfectly during my intense grief....as hard as it is no one can go through this for you, it is you and your Faith all the way on this one. You can lean on family and friends for support but there is only so much they can do, you have to do the rest. It is a rough ride Mel, the first couple of years those waves come uninvited and overwhelm you but please believe me when I say you are going to be okay, you will do this, face your grief and find comfort in the arms of those who love and need you. You are doing all the right things, writing, speaking and sharing your experience. Keeping you in my heart and prayers always.
    ......:-) Hugs

  2. Even before reading this, you have been on my mind ALL day. Praying for you, sweet friend.

    with love,

  3. I have yet to experience such grief and shudder to think of the day. I pray I would be as steadfast and an example of grace under fire as you have been. Love you Melanie ((hugs))

  4. I love you dear sis, praying for you always.

  5. just stopping by to say hi... i wish I could stay for a big hug, long chat and a cup of coffee (on the beach preferably). xoxo

  6. Years ago I heard a sermon entitled "God rides the waves"... I never forgot it. Your picture of Andrew in the waves is so precious, the very waves that God rides with him, then and now. He's riding your waves too.

    Thank you for the email.

  7. Praying for you. I would love to hear your message. I love your openness and transparency.

  8. Melanie, I will be praying that you find a sweet woman of God that can be your confidant and that you can tell everything to and cry, scream and sob to. I do not understand the loss of a child, but I do understand the waves of severe depression that I have struggled with for years and now I am finally coming to terms with. I am praying for you.Reach out!

  9. I know this place well.

    Always here if you need me...

  10. Mel...My heart breaks for you my dear! The picture you paint takes me right under that water with you! Praying for you today!

  11. I would love to meet you someday. I think of you often, and every time I do, one word comes to mind: faithful. Thank you for being real. For being transparent.

  12. Melanie, I've been thinking of you alot lately. I've had some trouble sleeping lately and I prayed for you during the night. As you go through your grieving, it's so important to be open and honest. And you are!

    Pray the Scriptures. Remind yourself of who God is. He is unchanging. He is merciful, perfect love. We don't get to always understand this side of eternity though which can be so hard, especially when you're mourning your precious son.

    Just know that I care and continue to pray for you.


  13. Oh Melanie

    As always my heart hurts for you, grief is exactly as you describe but somehow I feel it is worse for a Mother. As I have said before I have to turn from the screen because your pain is so vivid but, then I turn back and pray for the right words to bring comfort. Please know you are cared,prayed and loved by this community. Peace.

  14. My heart aches for you. I really stopped on your question "If You are not who I thought You were, then who are You?"

    Just know that your honesty and vulnerability helps so many other people in dark places see a glimpse of light and know they're not alone.

    Your words have helped me better understand where a friend of mine—who lost her son earlier this year—might be.

    Don't be afraid to reach out for help. God speaks to us through His word, but HE speaks to us through His children as well.

    Praying for you, Melanie.

  15. I would love to hear your message Melanie. Praying for you and your family. b