In this season of grief, it seems I get 2 - 3 weeks of feeling "just ok" and having some happy moments and even some laughs. Then a crashing wave of overwhelming emotion, sadness and depression knocks me to my knees and under the salty water I am turned and tossed, not able to identify which way is above the water.
I try very hard to get back up and gasp fresh air. But the force of the rolling ocean's wave is brutal.
While underwater, I cry and pray and plead with the One who created the tides to bring me some relief. I sort by memory the scriptures which promise the ever present fellowship of the Lord and the peace He left us. I consider many times making a call for help here and a cry for help there for something that I cannot seem to give to myself. But I am afraid to divulge too much because I can't control the response nor the outcome. And I know, too, that as ferocious as the wave is, the water will calm again. Finally the rolling wave will subside and I will stand upright again.
Yesterday I began to consider that the overwhelming wave that comes is sent as an attack by that old enemy and liar, the accuser.
I know that there is a process to grieving and yet I also know that I have been in the Refiner's fire and God is engraving a message on my heart.
In the *message that I gave at the Ladies Tea in MD last month I spoke of three questions that I had asked of God in the nine months since Andrew's Heavenly Homegoing.
1. If You are not who I thought You were, then who are You?
2. What do you want from me?
3. What can I expect from You?
So whether I face sunshine, rain or crashing waves, still my faith endures and by God's grace, I will deliver His message of hope, healing and Heaven's reward.
However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 18:8
*If you are interested in a DVD of that message, let me know in a comment.