I Gave My Book Away - part two

(To read part one first, scroll down.)

The day after we returned home from the hospital in CO, those words came back to me at a most unusual time. “I’ll make it up to you.” I was on my way to the grocery store and as I drove I thought about my feelings of disappointment. Huge disappointment in myself. In the first few days following One Fine Man’s injury, I was occupied with his immediate care, rebooking flights, packing, the hour and half drive to the airport…I was taking care of business. Every other breath was a prayer. I stayed positive and as focused as possible so the boys would not be unduly upset.

Once home I had two days to prepare for another day’s flight to Denver. There were bills to pay. Clothes to wash. Things that only The Mom knows need to be done. My day began at 4:45 a.m. After two flights and a layover, I arrived in Denver. I picked up my rental car and the most frightening ride of my life began. The first half hour was not bad. The rest of the trip was a nightmare.

The winds were so high in the mountain passes I thought at any moment my vehicle would be blown over the divider to plunge how far - I had no clue. Later I heard the winds were gusting in excess of 85 - 100 mph. Then it began to snow. I have lived in Florida for 19 years. Enough said. White knuckling the steering wheel, I prayed. I sang. I cried. I told myself to focus, focus, focus. I thought about pulling over for a while but the idea of driving the rest of the way in the dark was scary, too. Then there were the signs: Gusty winds, Avalanche, Falling rocks, Icy roads.
Finally, I arrived at the hospital. I sat in the car a few minutes thanking God I had made it.

When I got to the 2nd floor and stopped at the nurses desk, several of the staff on duty looked at me, their mouths open. “You drove in this?” they asked. One nurse hugged me and asked if I was all right. With her kindness, I could only nod, my tears threatening to spill.

Three days passed. After four surgeries, One Fine Man was released from the hospital. Again the day started early – 3:45 a.m. I dropped OFM off before returning the rental and boarded a shuttle to return to the airport. Even with our early start, we were running late. We had an early morning flight with crutches, carry on bags and, of all things, One Fine Man was selected for a secondary search at security in the Denver airport. They examined his shoe! One shoe. They body searched him as he sat in a wheel chair. I held three bags, his crutches and my tears. Can you spell stress? We checked 2 bags but the 3 carry on bags were my tote bag, his backpack w/laptop and a plastic bag holding 2 cumbersome boxes of injections.

Somewhere between returning the car and returning home, something came loose in me. I did not feel merciful. I did not feel good. I did not feel kind. I did not feel.
By Monday feeling returned but not the kind I hoped for. I felt mean. Selfish. Confused. Tired. Annoyed. Pulled.
Several times I asked God what was wrong with me. This is when I found myself sitting in the parking lot of Publix. Just sitting. I needed groceries but I couldn’t get out of the van. I just sat there.

In the dark, those words again. “I’ll make it up to you.” A stirring in me.

“When and what, God?” I felt the choice was mine. All of my feelings of selfishness, confusion, exhaustion, annoyance and guilt (for feeling selfish, confused, exhausted and annoyed) washed over me.

“God, I choose this - I choose for you to do through me what I cannot do on my own. I choose a heart of compassion and mercy. I choose love. I know this is a short-term situation and it’s not life or death, but I need help in the here and now. I choose this. I choose now."

In that moment, something else came loose and the wilderness of my heart became a pool of water (Isaiah 41:18).

God did make it up to me. In the parking lot of Publix. He gave me a choice. To take His strength. To lean heavy on Him. To wade into His pool of water when my heart is a desert.

Those words... I will keep choosing this.