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Mar 5, 2011

Part 3 Life ~ Not What I Thought

Part One

Part Two

In the first few months I trashed the idea of ever standing before a group and speaking about the things of God. I still believed, and like Simon Peter, I confessed there was no other place I would go because it is the Lord, alone, who has the words of Eternal life. 

I just didn’t feel like I had anything left to say. I felt that even though I knew Jesus to be the Christ, the Son of the Living God, I no longer knew, beyond salvation, what to expect from Him. 
 And at the time, I reasoned He probably didn’t need me in the shape I was in to represent Him. 

A few friends of mine lovingly and perhaps courageously took the time to “remind me of who I was.”
I listened. And that’s about it. I heard the words. I appreciated the love.
But all I felt I had to offer anyone was hurt, bewilderment and lots of deep and dark emotions. 

What I knew for sure though was whether God ever did another thing for me, He had made a way for Andrew, for me and for anyone else who believed and confessed Christ as Lord, to live with Him eternally. 
And that was enough. 
That was enough for me. 

I found myself for the first time in many years relieved of the burden of trying to have any answers.
It became okay with me to not know.               
That was huge for me. I’m the thinker. The one who has the need to understand
The one who looks for symbolism and deeper insight. 

Once, a few years ago, my husband and I went for a walk through our neighborhood. 
We walked in silence for a bit until I said, “Sometimes I wish I could take my brain out of my head for awhile and get a rest from all my thinking.”

My husband walked on in silence. 

I asked, “Do you know what I mean?”

“No,” he responded. 

Perplexed, I questioned, “You don’t ever get exhausted with your own thoughts?” 

"No. I'm not a thinker." 

"You're not a thinker? You don't think?" What do you do?"

 He replied, “I be.” 
In struggling with the loss of Andrew, for the first time in my life I had a taste of what it felt like to simply “be.” I no longer needed to have all the answers. 
I relinquished that need. 

And as I ran at sunset and God and I moved around one another under painted skies, I just was
I just was there
And so was He.

(to be continued...maybe)


  1. thank you so much for sharing, I really enjoyed your thoughts. God Bless.
    I'm a new follower

  2. Love this, friend! I totally get it! Usually, I think constantly while I run--til my brain says stop! When I can run and just "be"--I truly love the quiet time spent with Him!

  3. I really like this Melanie. I love the lesson from both you and your hubby as you walked and talked. The 'thinker' is still thinking, but God has given you new grace to just 'be'...


  4. Sometimes, just being is enough, I've learned to do that. To know that I will never know those answers earthside. To know that there is something better ahead.

    I've been patient (not a natural virtue), I'm the one, the one who doesn't fall apart, the one who picks everyone else up and wipes their tears and tells them somehow, by God's grace, we'll be OK.

    But there are days (now) when I don't feel the truth of that, when my own tears fall freely, alone, on their own.

  5. yes, to "be". a good place. but a hard road to get there, sometimes.

  6. Ahhhhh thank you Melanie!

    Present! so very inspiring and beautiful... to BE!

    I do wish I could turn off my mind and the thoughts that race through it, sometimes torment, even the ones of wonderful memories and more joyful times...

    maybe I should take up RUNNING... ohhhhhhh,
    that is part of my problem, I run... but not like you do, as an exercise, so maybe that's the one I need...

    I don't think I know how to empty myself (though many times I do feel empty) to just BE!

    I'm so delighted that you arrived at a god place to BE!!! pray for me to get there too!

    I should be done with the tears and this grief and these up and down emotions, anger and sadness, emptiness and shock, I think I totally lost all of 2010... life stood still yet rapidly passed me by and now once again another year is slipping away and passing quickly before me...
    I really want to get to the place you are and I thought I was...

    I think I'll have to just gaze on some more sunsets... thanks Melanie.

  7. I be.

    I like that... gives me permission to just live my day without the stress of thinking about tomorrow.


  8. I am a thinker and the Lord tells me to Just B. I totally get this post. Thinking of you. B