A Bitter Sweetness

October, 2009 ~ so glad to be out of the hospital and home

Family ski trip

Andrew flies! (Click to enlarge.)

A summer day at the skate park

One of my favorite pictures

December 2008

Andrew and Teddy

 (excerpt from "A Faith that Endures")

 There are many words I could say today but I'm feeling quiet. Fourteen years ago at 12:58 p.m., Andrew was born to our family. We rejoiced. A few years later as a little boy, he asked Jesus to be His Savior and the Lord of his life. The angels rejoiced! We love him. We miss him. We long to see him. One day we will.
I'm ready.

In the meantime, I'll just keep sharing the message of the Gospel. Remember, "God loves you and He has a plan for your life."
And as you walk out the plan, you are not left to do it on your own; Jesus is praying for you.

As always, thank you for your encouragement and prayers these past many months.

Unshakeable Trust ~ Enduring Faith

 

~ Looking forward to meeting some wonderful women of God at Hermitage Hills Baptist Church this week!

I'll be speaking on "A Faith That Endures." This message is my heartbeat. With everything we faced with the diagnosis of brain cancer in our son, Andrew, and with his passing to Heaven, I have been vulnerable and honest in the expression of my pain and grief. And through all of my searching, my questions, my prayers, and my meditation, I've found I must develop a FAITH THAT ENDURES.

And you know what? 

God has been so faithful, so kind and so loving that I often feel that I must be His favorite daughter! Amazing, isn't it? But that's our God. 

So I'm asking that all of you who have been such a great source of support and encouragement to me would just send up a prayer on my behalf and on the behalf of the women who will hear my message on enduring faith.  My message...Andrew's Message...God's Message ~ 

"I'm talking about the kind of faith in God that is a vehicle by which we arrive at an unshakeable trust that, regardless of the outcome, God is working all things together for my good and for His glory!" ~ from "A Faith that Endures

He's Been Faithful

The first time I sang again after Andrew passed to Heaven was nine days later at a Christmas candlelight service. 

Last fall I had the opportunity to speak twice in Maryland and sing again. 
I chose a song I have been singing for many years but never, never has it had more meaning than now.

Click here to view a 5 minute video clip of the song and bits of the message I spoke on from Galatians.

I suppose  I should start using vimeo for my video uploads so I can put upload them to blogger. 

If you are on Facebook and would like to friend me, see my badge in the sidebar.

Part 3 Life ~ Not What I Thought

Part One

Part Two

In the first few months I trashed the idea of ever standing before a group and speaking about the things of God. I still believed, and like Simon Peter, I confessed there was no other place I would go because it is the Lord, alone, who has the words of Eternal life. 

I just didn’t feel like I had anything left to say. I felt that even though I knew Jesus to be the Christ, the Son of the Living God, I no longer knew, beyond salvation, what to expect from Him. 
 And at the time, I reasoned He probably didn’t need me in the shape I was in to represent Him. 

A few friends of mine lovingly and perhaps courageously took the time to “remind me of who I was.”
I listened. And that’s about it. I heard the words. I appreciated the love.
But all I felt I had to offer anyone was hurt, bewilderment and lots of deep and dark emotions. 

What I knew for sure though was whether God ever did another thing for me, He had made a way for Andrew, for me and for anyone else who believed and confessed Christ as Lord, to live with Him eternally. 
And that was enough. 
That was enough for me. 

I found myself for the first time in many years relieved of the burden of trying to have any answers.
It became okay with me to not know.               
That was huge for me. I’m the thinker. The one who has the need to understand. 
The one who looks for symbolism and deeper insight. 

Once, a few years ago, my husband and I went for a walk through our neighborhood. 
We walked in silence for a bit until I said, “Sometimes I wish I could take my brain out of my head for awhile and get a rest from all my thinking.”

My husband walked on in silence. 

I asked, “Do you know what I mean?”

“No,” he responded. 

Perplexed, I questioned, “You don’t ever get exhausted with your own thoughts?” 

"No. I'm not a thinker." 

"You're not a thinker? You don't think?" What do you do?"

 He replied, “I be.” 
  
In struggling with the loss of Andrew, for the first time in my life I had a taste of what it felt like to simply “be.” I no longer needed to have all the answers. 
I relinquished that need. 

And as I ran at sunset and God and I moved around one another under painted skies, I just was. 
I just was there. 
Present.
And so was He.

(to be continued...maybe)

Part 2 "Life ~ Not What I Thought"

 To read part one, go here.

I’ll answer those questions from my perspective.

·        My life feeling off kilter, out of balance, upside down? YES!

·        Feeling on the inside far from picture perfect even when others commented that I “had it all” or “had it all together”? YES! (I don’t think anyone feels this way about me anymore.)

·        Knowing that God knows EVERYTHING but wondering if He truly cared about my desperation and my pain? YES!

·        Questioning whether He is a God who intervenes…still? YES!

And what about my dreams, hopes and confidence buried in a dark place six feet under? 

The first time I stopped alone at the grave site of my twelve year old son, Andrew, I stumbled from the van to the dark soil of the plot. Tears streamed and dropped off my cheeks. Falling to my knees, I dry heaved. I wanted to die so I could see my son. 

As the weeks passed I began to run again. Another heartbreaking issue reared its ugly head in our home and I knew I had to get to a healthy place in order to fight and shield my family from more fiery darts. Running each day was the setting in which a kind of dance between God and me took place. I won’t go through the details here because I do that in my message entitled, May I Have this Dance?

As God and I moved to the music of His magnificent sunsets, I hesitantly revisited those buried treasures – dreams, hopes, confidence in myself, confidence and trust in Him. They were like garments that I held up, examined and determined whether to keep, give up, or trash. 

What about you?
Do you have buried treasure? Is it time to dig it up? Re-examine the garments of your past hopes, dreams and plans and assess what is for keeping, giving away or trashing? 

(to be continued…)

Life ~ Not What I Thought

Life is just not turning out like what I thought. And I’m not even referring to the big plans I had as a college graduate so many years ago, nor the dreams I had as a young bride ignorant to the realities of marriage to a real life man.

No, I’m talking about plans that I thought were just on the brink of unfolding eighteen months ago.
It’s not that life was smooth sailing in the spring of 2009 but I thought the rough patch our family was going through would eventually smooth out and the road would be level again.
As I, along with a close friend, prepared to begin a women’s ministry, I spent lots of “on my face before God” time in the privacy of my bedroom.

I remember the days of, one by one, giving God every part of me: my dreams, my home, my husband, and each of my children. That last part ~ each of my children, took me several days of “giving over to God” until I knew I really meant it. You see I wanted God more than anything and anyone. But I found that not even that is a protection against bad things happening. In fact, I suspect that when you truly get to that point, it makes you a target.

 If you know our story, then you know what happened in 2009. Our 12 year old son, Andrew, was struck with brain cancer and we buried him less than four months after the diagnosis.

 But I buried more than a son on December 19, 2009.

 Into the ground went my hopes, my dreams and my confidence. And if I'm being totally honest here, some of my confidence in God also went six feet deep. 
Fresh soil was shoveled on top and packed down. It took me many months to revisit the mound of treasure in that grave.

What about you? Do you feel off kilter in your own life?
Do you have major areas that are far from picture perfect?
Do you wonder if God really knows what's happening in your life?
Do you ever wonder if He truly cares?
Do you, in the privacy of your most unguarded moments, ever question whether He will intervene in your desperate circumstances?

(to be continued...)

Proverbs 31 Woman 2.0

My New Blog Series ~

Proverbs 31 Woman 2.0

"Because virtue is always in vogue."

Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!" ~ Amplified Bible

2.0 version:  "Her strength comes from the Lord and His faithfulness envelops her like a robe. In HIM alone, she finds a position of security; she is able to rejoice over the future, knowing she and her WHOLE family are more than ready for it."

Sunday, November 21, 2010, I had the honor of speaking publicly for the first time in my home church since the diagnosis of cancer and Andrew's departure to Heaven.
For those of you who have been following along on this journey with me for the past many months, I hope that you have seen me reveal my heart as honestly as I know how. Truly, the Lord Jesus has been my rescuer, my strength and security over and again. People who have not endured the grief of child loss talk about "closure." There is no closure. There is simply a new kind of patience. Patience to wait until that beautiful morning when the family reunion of all family reunions unfolds! I CAN rejoice in that, and our FAMILY is ready for it.
The link to hear "A Faith that Endures" is here:
 
http://www.gulfcoastchurch.org/pages.asp?pageid=79901
 
As you'll hear on the video, as much as I want to honor my son, Andrew, I want MORE to honor my Lord.