Primal Cry ~ Morning Poetry & Update

"Primal Cry"

by Melanie Dorsey

Some days I want to run away
Escape into tomorrow
To what I hope are better days
Put away the bread of sorrow.

An end to images and voices
And chilling disbelief
Accepting what I feared imagine
Spirit prayer for some relief

Truly understanding
There is no one but You
With naked soul and quivering lip
Not run away, but to.

To the highest place
My feet can climb
To the deepest sea
Where I am blind.

Whether in the sun
Or darkest blue
My primal cry
Will be for You.

(photo by Linda Charlene)

~~~~

A family update

My husband ~ working, loving me, loving us, my greatest fan and biggest supporter, missing Andrew in a BIG way

My daughter ~ took some time out from school, working at the YMCA, tutoring, running, biking, swimming, making music, hanging out with ME!

My son ~ making the grades, making music, thinking deep thoughts, asking questions (the tough ones), parkour, longboarding, running for Jr. class prez

Ted ~ always a mixed bag with him, makes us smile, makes us mad, makes some messes, "makes up with us" and then we tell him he's the cutest, smartest, funniest pup ever!

Me ~ so very thankful for friends, especially the ones who don't seem to mind when I ramble, lose my train of thought, and have harebrained schemes that involve them and that may or may not involve a video camera (You know who you are!), grateful that God is patient with me and people are, too.

Exploring the best way (all things considered) that I can begin to bring in some $$$.
Full of nervous energy and cannot sit still, write poetry so my head will not explode, still don't like washing the pots and pans, really needing to mop my floors but will probably go to the beach instead!

Andrew ~ worshipping our Lord, saving our spots in Heaven, skateboarding, painting and playing with his dogs!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...A Thrifting I Will Go!

I'm linking up to Beauty and Bedlam!

I may be completely ruined for retail at this point. Within one week I found some unbelieveable bargains...all at 2 different thrift stores. Usually when I visit a thrift store it is to look at dishes. Two of my favorite serving pieces came from a thrift store ~ an orange Pier One Bowl (fave color) and a celery green Southern Living At Home dish.
But since I cleaned my closet of the too big, too frumpy, too old, too whatever...
AND "being low on cash flow...a thrifting I did go."
Because I dropped my camera while taking pictures of Ted, sometimes they come out blurry now. Also my daughter was working out at the Y and I sweet talked my husband into taking the pictures. He happily handed over the camera when she walked in the door.
(Last year Andrew was my Shop Your Closet photographer. I love you, Son.)

This whole "frugalicious fotog" session took A LOT longer than I thought it would. But I wanted to share my fabulous and frugal finds with you. ONLY what I listed is "thrifted." The rest I either already had or I "lifted" from my daughter's closet. The dark red shoes are hers. I think that in some of these pictures I look like a GIANT but I am 5' 2 1/2".

Sweet Pea top ~ $2.

~~~
Ann Taylor skirt $2.50 (top looks better w/skirt IRL)
~~~~Liz Claiborne "watermelon red" skirt $3 (Daughter says a white tank would be better with this. And I'm wondering what is that shiny thing on my bottom lip and why do my knees look dirty?)

~~~

Ann Taylor "flower" skirt $2.50 still had tag on with original price of $59 (Will rethink necklace choice)~~~

Harrold's skirt (picture does not show how cute it really is) ~ $2.50



I forgot about 2 other items I got. Oh well. Next time.

Yeah...I'm pretty much gonna keep checking out the thrift stores!
And...wow...I need to clean my grout. But not this week.

"Still" ~ Morning Poetry

"Still"

by Melanie Dorsey

I’m still here.
And that, alone, may be testament to Your Grace.
I’m still missing.
Though loss here stirs more desire to see Your face.

I’m still singing.
Melodies and rhymes that ascend to Your Holy Place.
I’m still hoping.
Though mind and body wearies in this Earthly race.

Still, I trust.
Still, I know.
Still,You Are.

Let Love Flow.

Still.

(photo ~ by Linda Charlene)

~~~

This week's blog forecast ~ fun, fashionable and frugal! (You've got to see it to believe it.)

Smiley Face ~

For every prayer, kind thought, heartfelt expression and for every loving deed to honor our boy and comfort our family...THANK YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a weekend! We had a garage sale Saturday and I don't know what I was thinking in the timing of it. But we had planned it so we had it.

At the garage sale

Some man:

"Do you have any guns in your house?"

"Are you sure you don't have any military stuff that you forgot about?"

Me: (In my head ~ "Why yes, I have a gun in my sewing basket and a camouflage apron hanging in my pantry." "How about 5 bucks for each?")

Out loud ~ "No. Sorry."

Cleaning out my closet (for the garage sale)

My daughter:

"This has never been cute."

Me: "But it's Ann Taylor!"

"But it's Sigrid Olsen."

"But it has sentimental value."

My daughter:

"It's frumpy."

"Just because it's Ann Taylor or Sigrid Olsen doesn't mean it's cute."

Me: "Really?" "It doesn't?" "Oh." "Well...it's a good color on me."

I Dreamed of You

I dreamed of you.

You were outside with your big brother working on your skateboards. I walked outside and saw the two of you. Your brother was sitting on the ground with a skateboard and you were standing with your foot poised on your board.

I asked, "Andrew, are you going to skate?"

You replied, "Yes."

Then you came into the house, pale faced and pained.

"I want to, but my head hurts."

I wrapped you in my arms and began to pray for you. I held you tight and then I began to shake.

The shaking woke me up with a start.

I got out of bed and walked through our dark house.

Knowing another morning that you are not here.

It was only a dream.

Knowing that you ARE healed and you CAN skate again!

Just like you dreamed.

And when we hugged, it felt so real.

Always Andrew

13 on Sunday!

This beautiful flower arrangement came unexpectedly today from one mother to another in remembrance of Andrew's birthday, which is April 25. I cried good tears.

~~~

The Willow Tree figure is from Brandi. She sent it weeks ago after I wrote about the Boot Strap award. I cried good tears.

I have come to truly understand that both laughter and tears are a gift. And they often coincide! And that, too, is a gift.

Thank you.

Bring On The Rain...But Not For Long, Please.

It's a rainy Sunday with cloudy, gray skies.

Lately I have wanted to be out in the sun as much as possible. But today may be an "inside day."

I received so many kind and moving comments and emails regarding my last two posts (Untitled parts One & Two). Thank you so very much!

I am finding grief to be an unpredictable emotion. I smile, laugh, cry and experience disbelief all in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I simply cannot believe that Andrew had brain cancer and died. A year ago this time, he was skateboarding, doing his artwork, and rushing through his math assignments. Knowing we will all be together in Eternity pulls me through many rough and rocky moments. Because, truly, this life is only a breath.

Sometimes I think about what I would trade to have him back. I go through a mental list...our house and everything in it, our vehicles...all stuff.

Everything and Anything.

What I would not trade is one of my other children. I don't add my husband because I know that both he and I would have given our own lives for that of Andrew. Either of us would have exchanged our lives for his.

So I remind myself of what I would not trade. A mother would not willingly choose to exchange the life of one child for another. I remind myself of this so that I use the time I still have to pour love into my other two children.

I don't want to inadvertently "shortchange" my son and daughter because I am mired in grief. It is a choice. It is hard. It is necessary.

I also want to share "Andrew's Message" every chance I get. His message is the fragrance of Christ.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him " 2 Corinthians 2:14 NIV.

~My Week in the Sun~

Amy & Melanie

Pear Break with My Girl at the Park

Holding Andrew's mini skateboard (Tech Deck)

Mom & Daughter spend an hour at the beach. (Good thing we live close by!)

Regina & Melanie walk the beach and wear khaki visors!

Untitled ~ part Two

“Do you want to stay in the room while I wash his body?”

Andrew had just passed from this earth to Heaven and his hands and lips were already tinged with blue. It was a moment in time when every particle of my body and mind wanted to give in and go with my son.

I wondered, “Can I simply will myself to die?”

I remembered the words I had whispered in my friend’s ear as she embraced me upon hearing Andrew’s diagnosis.
“If this doesn’t turn out like we are hoping and praying, I want to die, too.”

My worst fear was spread out before me. My beautiful twelve year old son lay in a hospital bed. No longer with us. Bright, red blood stained his upper right sleeve and the bed sheet. One of the IV's had left a pool of blood when the nurse had removed it. I hated seeing that blood and I asked the nurse to please change his gown. Seeing my son’s spilled blood upset me and I wanted it cleaned up.

The compassionate, young nurse presented me with options.
“You can leave the room while I wash his body. Or you can stay while I wash his body. Or you can help me wash his body. It’s up to you. Whatever you feel you want to do.”
I was not going to leave my son. I would help wash Andrew.
I had given him his first bath and I would give him his last.

The nurse was so gentle with my son and I wept quietly as we bathed the body of the boy I loved. I washed his perfect face with his still flawless skin. Then under his neck where I had so often scrubbed those dirty neck rings boys get from playing hard. Next I gently ran the warm, wet cloth over his legs and his feet.

Those were the same feet I had washed time and again when he was a little boy.

I thought back to that day, when in my small bathroom, I washed his toddler sized feet in the sink and felt the presence of God in such a powerful way.

When the nurse and I were finished, I kissed Andrew’s face, his shoulder, his hands and, finally, I kissed his feet.
How beautiful are the feet of those who bring the gospel of peace.

In the days to come, many of our neighbors would tell us how Andrew had impacted their lives and those of their children.
They told us how they had admired Andrew’s skill as he skateboarded on our street, how patient he had been with the younger boys and how they looked up to our son. We also heard that Andrew was always polite and friendly. And that trademark smile!

One day I will see that smile again. One day I will kiss his flawless face again. One day I will kiss my boy’s feet again.

But I have a feeling that before I do all of that, Andrew will lead me to Jesus and show me HIS nail scarred hands and feet. And I will kneel and I will wash HIS feet with my tears.

And then I will kiss the feet of Jesus.

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, ‘Your God reigns!’”

Isaiah 52:7

Untitled ~ part One

The 25th of this month is Andrew’s 13th birthday. We never expected not to
celebrate his entry into the teenaged years with him. Just a few months ago
Andrew and I were joking that he would be driving before his older brother
who was showing no interest in obtaining a learner’s permit.
Yesterday, I watered and pulled the dead parts from the plant that rests at the
head of Andrew’s grave.

One day, several years ago when I was home schooling my two oldest
children and Andrew was nearly 18 months old, I was fasting. Although I
had not eaten I was finding it very difficult to snatch time here and there for
undisturbed prayer. Life just kept coming! I was fixing meals, doing
laundry and teaching math and reading. Andrew, at only a year and a
half, was “into” everything.

Frustrated and feeling spiritually inadequate, I finally heard my husband’s
car in the driveway. I handed Andrew to Dan and asked if he could take care
of him while I went in our bedroom to pray.

I retreated to our bedroom, closed the door and knelt by my bed. Tears trickled down my face. I felt like such a failure. I asked the Lord just what He expected of me as a mother who desired to serve Him whole heartedly and who longed to be in His presence. Tearfully I whispered to Him that my life and children were a blessing and although I did not look at them as distractions,

sometimes the duties of motherhood intruded upon my time with Him. Sighing, I rested my wet cheek upon the bed.

From the family room I heard Andrew crying for “Mommy.” My husband

tried to calm and placate him. Still on my knees I asked the Lord again, “What do you expect of me?”

I sensed this gentle response, “Go to your child.”

Just then the door burst open and a teary eyed toddler ran into my outstretched arms.

I heard my husband call out, “I’m coming. I’ll get him.”

“That’s alright,” I answered, “I’ve got him.”

I stood up, holding my son and speaking softly to soothe his frazzled nerves, a reflection of my own only moments before. As I held him I noticed his bare feet were dirty and I went toward my bathroom intent on washing his feet in the sink. Turning on the water, I heard that quiet voice again, "Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me."

The overwhelming love of God seemed to suspend time, when in the mundane act of washing my little boy’s feet, I sensed I was washing the feet of Jesus. The atmosphere in that small bathroom seemed to thicken as the holy presence of God descended upon Andrew and me. I dried his feet and we both breathed deeply, satisfied with this unpredictable turn of events.
My son had simply longed for the attention of his mommy, and to have her gentleness soothe away the frustrations of his day.
I had wanted to be in the presence of my Father and hear His gentle voice speak truth to my spirit.
That day my son and I both got what we wanted.


(There is more to this story…Part two occurs 10 years later.)

Run For The Love of Andrew ~ Iron Girl

Yesterday, April 10, I ran the Aflac Iron Girl 5k on Clearwater Beach at Pier 60. Audra ran the 15k. I spread "Andrew's Message." (more of the story and more pics later)

Andrew's Message

Me with the sign

Pausing for a picture

Audra and me

Audra runs for the "love of Andrew" and in support of Britt Ballard (pic in sidebar).

My man and me

Nature, Nest, Nurture

This is the Fierce Mama Bird. Yesterday my son and I noticed how big the baby birds had grown. Their smart mama built a nest in our Christmas poinsettia plant right outside our front door. Poinsettias thrive in a tropical environment so ours last forever. Just when we were about to remove it, however, we saw Fierce Mama Bird had built a fine little nest. We have watched her sit on her eggs until finally they hatched. Then we watched as she fed her birds. Fierce Mama Bird has fed her babies multiple lizards and other treats from our yard!

When we saw how big the babies were, I told my son, "She'll be teaching them to fly soon."

Shortly after that comment, I walked to our mailbox and saw the empty nest! I grabbed my camera and followed the chirping. I found them. But Fierce Mama Bird was still on guard! Go, MAma! Go MAma!

FIERCE MAMA BIRD

THE EMPTY NEST (outside our front door)

I'LL FLY AWAY, OH GLORY...
(two of the four baby birds...learning to fly)


RESIDENT BUNNY

MEL & TED AT THE DOG PARK

Andrew watched and waited for this park near our home to open. As my husband and I rode our bikes there Saturday, we were a bit wistful that Andrew had not been able to enjoy this park. But we both concluded, Andrew has far better. We love our boy and miss him terribly each day. Yes, we are smiling and even laughing again...but just underneath our smiles and in our laughter, there is a longing for Andrew to be present in our everyday lives. We console ourselves with the fact that Eternity is far greater than 12 years and 7 1/2 months. But, oh, how the emotion...the sadness and the grief...roll in like the waves of the ocean.

HONEYMOON ISLAND (summer '09)

ANDREW PUSHES US ON THE BEACH SWING HONEYMOON ISLAND ~

summer '09

My Handsome Son, Avery



AVERY STANDING ON THE ROCK

IN THE WILD BLUE YONDER


AVERY UPSIDE DOWN

This morning I am off for an adventure in the wild with my JENuine friend. Today for our Wednesday morning walk, we have a surprise planned for a couple of boys. Audra is in on it and will be our videographer. 'Should be fun. There are fake mustaches and lip gloss involved! Oh...and nature...and maybe a nest...and some nurture, too?

Edited to add: I totally forgot to use the fake mustache but we did remember the lip gloss. Audra recorded EVERYTHING. As long as my friend is agreeable, I'll share it here and on FB. We laughed so hard and you will not believe what we did. She, is indeed, my "Rain or Shine" friend. Today the sun shined.

Easter Pictures

Andrew Christopher Dorsey...Easter 2008...10 years old
Audra & Ted

Dan & Mel

(clash of the flowers)

Avery & Audra

I carried Andrew's Bible with me to church ~ Easter 2010

I Have Friends But No More FARRAH HAIR

We had a sweet visit with friends that we have known for a looooooong time. I have known my friend, Cathy, since she was in 7th grade and I was in 9th. My dad was her pastor for a while. They were on spring break and stopped by for a couple of days to visit with us.

Me in the white shirt...Cathy in the UK shirt ~ April 2, 2010

(My hair after the new cut...not so "Farrah like" anymore since I washed and dried it myself. BTW, my hair is naturally straight but my favorite hairdresser used a big barrel curling iron on it after she cut it. Too bad I don't have a picture of her "work." And when I dug out the old curling iron to give it a go, I burned my thumb!)

Our friends...minus their oldest son who is a college boy.

Brian and Cathy met at our alma mater, Lee University. Their first date was at my wedding. Brian was my dad's youth pastor several years ago. Cathy was my dad's secretary. They are "family." We have STORIES!!! They are in full time ministry and Cathy is a school teacher.

One of my new "favorite people"
See the big 'ol lollipop? Reminds me of another wonderful boy.

Our Scrabble board

"Just The Two of Us"

Biking at Eagle Lake Park ~ April 3, 2010

I found an Easter Egg!

My Man Dan