Edited to Add: I so appreciate the thoughtfulness which with you offer comforting words to me as you read what I write in my pain and loss. To Rebecca S. ~ I think you have recognized something you relate to in me. Perhaps it is because I am also a pastor's daughter and know very well the "ministry life." It is an unfamiliar place to be in...needing ministry from others. Somehow when Andrew was here and even a couple of weeks after he went to heaven, I had finally gotten to the place where I knew I had to rely on the Body of Christ to meet my needs. For that is most often how God meets our needs...through the hands, words and even checkbooks of His people.
For some reason, now I feel that I should be able to "pull it together" enough to at least act like I am "myself" again. To smile at people, even though the gravity of grief keeps my face in a perpetual grimace. To hold a "normal" conversation as though Andrew were just up the street skateboarding with his friends. To freely lift my hands in praise although my joyful emotions are "strait-jacketed." So I just want to thank you, for coming here to check on me, and to patiently read what I pour out. Just like many of you, writing helps me process my life.
And so...I write. I write with Andrew's pictures leaning against the monitor and with his paintings propped to the side of my desk. And in between writing and "doing life" in this house, I wander through the rooms and I see Andrew everywhere. And I ask God to let me really see Andrew in my dreams at night. And I ask God to let me see HIM and HIS purpose again in my life and in my family's life until we are all reunited on the "upside."
My love & gratitude,
~~~~~~~ (photo by Linda Charlene)~~~~~~~~
Question to myself:
Can I learn something from me? I was revisiting my speaking topics a few days ago listed here.
And I wondered, "Can I learn from me?" I developed these speaking topics in preparation of applying to a speaker team. I carefully pulled from subject matter that I had previously taught to women's groups, Life Groups and Wednesday night Bible classes. I reworked, reviewed, researched and wrote.
Just when I was getting everything ready to submit to the speaker organization, 2009 hit! And I do mean hit.
My husband had a traumatic ski accident on Jan. 1, 2009, requring 10 days of hospitalization in CO, skin grafts, hyperbaric treatments and Percoset. I was teaching part time, homeschooling my precious Andrew and all the other things a wife and mother does AND MORE.
Then my husband's pay was cut in half. Then my husband and most of his coworkers were laid off.
THEN ANDREW WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER. (I HATE CANCER.)
And now our sweet boy is in Heaven and who knows when we'll see him again. Soon, I hope.
And so back to my question. "Can I learn something from me?"
I still want to be whole-ly His.
And I want to be diligent in keeping my heart.
I am especially concerned about being a resilient woman in the midst of missing Andrew.
So maybe the teacher can teach herself. I know one thing. I will not let the Enemy keep me down. I grieve and I mourn but I know Jesus is here in the middle of my storm. He never left. I have His promise on that. Every morning, reality hits before my feet hit the ground and every morning the reality of Andrew not being here hurts.
I emailed a friend today to tell her about a speaking opportunity I have (with Alisa) in NC in August. I told her this:
I just don’t feel like I have anything to say, except “You need Jesus.”
“Life is sometimes really hard.”
“And in conclusion, you need Jesus.”
I don’t think that would take longer than 10 seconds to say.
I told Jesus a couple of days ago, "If you give me something to say, I will say it. Otherwise I have nothing."