Last month. Those two words are thick in my mouth. Last month we still had our boy with us. We were exhausted in spirit, mind and body. The battle was fierce. At times my husband and I had no words between us. We saw in the eyes of the other pain, confusion, fear and love. And in those moments there was nothing to say. Sometimes my husband could only whisper to me, "I know."
Between us, we tried to encourage ourselves with scripture, the knowledge that God had already done so much, the Body of Christ fighting with us, and the flickers of hope that treatment would work. We hoped. We prayed. We cried.
Twice I remember asking my husband, "What do we do now?" What do we do?"
Both times his reply, "We stand."
Both times his reply, "We stand."
And I, the Bible teacher, the speaker, the intercessor, the one who desired to go deep, asked, "How?"
"How do we do that?"
What does that look like?"
See, I know the scripture. I've quoted it. I've taught on it.
"... and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore..." (Ephesians 6:13,14 ~ KJV).
But in the fire of suffering, I needed to know how do I really stand.
After all, I had been standing...at the bedside, in the waiting rooms, across from surgeons, oncologists, and hospice representatives.
I had stood in church with arms straight up. Our boy with us, hoping, expecting, believing that "today was the day for his miracle."
I had stood in front of a mirror which reflected a worn, weary, desperate woman I barely recognized as me.
I had stood while on a phone crying hot tears with friends and family.
But where I NEVER wanted to stand was where we stood December 19, 2009. In a church with my boy's lifeless, shell lying in a box. His newest skateboard, the one he never got to ride, propped next to him.
So I have stood.
And having done all, I still stand.
Andrew jumped into this picture with us right before it was taken (12/08).He wanted to stand with us and he did.
He stood. And...he stands.
(I'm not done but I have to stop. I'll be coming back because I have some thoughts on standing. And Ephesians 6 has so much more than the 8 words I wrote above.)
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Yes, to stand...and even when we fall...if we are His...we land on solid ground. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteoh i cannot wait to hear what else you have to say. thank you so much for taking the time to encourage and to teach us through all of this.
ReplyDeletei am trying to stand on God's promises...they are the only thing that never changes.
love you.
When you can't stand, Melanie, we are here to hold you up. Remember the story of the Israelites defeat of the Amelakites? As long as Moses held up his hands, the were winning. But when he grew too tired, Joshua would fall behind in the battle. So, Aaron and Hur held up Moses' hands and the battle was won. We are here for you, to hold you up when you are too weary to stand, friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are lifted up by many.
I'm praying this song ministers to you... that when your world is shaking... Heaven stands... when your heart is breaking... I never leave Your hands.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw&feature=related
Aren't you so glad Andrew jumped into the picture? What a fun memory.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of Exodus 17. Moses had to stand before God and hold his arms up. But he got tired. So his friends put a rock under him, and they held his arms up for Moses. I pray that you have friends near and far to prop you up and hold up your arms so that you continue to stand firm is God.
WE STAND... it's the bottom line truth when we don't know anything else to do! Your hubby was right... and to see what you are already learning and sharing is just so amazing.
ReplyDeleteGod knows that when WE STAND... we are really leaning hard into His promises, and saying 'hold me up', I can't do this alone. And... He carries us, props us up and provides the strength we don't have.
Praying, daily for you all....
Sonja
Precious One,
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of your thoughts, your feelings, your heart, your strong faith. I related it all to my life...I have stood by the bedsides of my parents dying, holding my mother's face in my hands as she took her last breath, the hospital rooms, hospice...and I'm told there is nothing more they can do for my husband's heart condition at the age of 52. We have learned to literally live within each day and now, my sister just diagnosed with cancer.
You, my friend are amazing. Through this most difficult time in your life, Yes You Stand and You Stand Firmly Planted In Him. You give me even more strength in my faith in Standing Firm, Standing In Him Even More. God is using you even now through your pain...you are helping me and I'm sure many others deal with things through your strength in the Lord in such a difficult time as this has been in your life.
You, your son, your children, your family are embedded nto my mind, heart and soul and will forever and always be in my prayers.
I love you dear one.
May His peace, rest, comfort and joy flood your heart and the hearts of your family members this day and the many days to come.
Big Hugs,
Alleluiabelle
P.S....
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say that I am just sure that God 'jumped' Andrew right into this picture. What a gift!
Sonja
standing with you.
ReplyDeleteMelanie, if you can stand in times like this, anyone can stand! What an inspiration you are. We all fall sometimes, but God is always there to help us up when we are ready to let Him. Praying for you and with you. laurie
ReplyDeleteMelanie,
ReplyDeleteSo much depth, so much truth! So much faith in your heart and it is truly on solid ground. I know the Lord will continue to minister to each one of you and bring you together in a whole new way. One that will be stronger in ways bc of your grief. A grief that the Lord knows all to well. HE had to watch his Son suffer and yet HE stood too Melanie, like you and your family.
I can't even imagine the grief, the pain, that each of you are experiencing and yet you are glorifying our Father in a way that speaks life, hope, and begs of us to dig deeper, so I say thank you and praise the Lord for HIS strength in you. May you experience more and more of HIM in ways that only HE can show you and may you know we are here beside you ~ loving, praying and holding you up.
Such beauty coming out of the ashes of pain......
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 61:
I know, Melanie, this stand thing. I have not been where you are, but like you I taught the scriptures to children between 5-7th. grades, I have encouraged, uplifted and counseled others in being strong and having faith. HOWEVER....When it hits you, when you are the one in need, when it is you who is broke down, defeated, in pain...It is really hard to "stand". Words seem meaningless, somehow....All we have is Jesus to stand for us. And that is where I stand.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. Thank you so very much.
You may think you're weak. But, you are sharing, teaching, such strength. You exude strength. God's strength. Thank you for sharing, and still teaching, what God is showing you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful child of God you are, so hurt and full of pain of missing Andrew yet you recognize that you do not have all the answers....you trust God who does know all the answers....that is the lesson I have learned from you Melanie, "He knows the Reason".
ReplyDelete.......:-) Hugs
Oh, sweet Melanie, thank you for sharing those thoughts. Dear God give her strength to keep standing, strength to endure. Praying for God's peace, comfort and blessings to you and your dear family ~ Hugs ~
ReplyDeleteOh Melanie, again, your faith and strength ministers to me and to so many others. It's OK if you need to lean on all of us for a while. We are all standing with you. It is soo inspiring to see you dig so deep into His Word and to share what He is showing you. I appreciate it so much. Still praying for you all, Debbie
ReplyDeleteWe do not know each other, but we are sisters in Christ. I found your blog, don't even remember how, sometime last fall and have prayed for Andrew, you, your family, admiring your authenticity, your trust in our Father's goodness and love even when the circumstances are unimaginable. You continue to be in my prayers and my heart literally hurts for you at times. As a mother myself, I cry out to God for your comfort and peace. This post was, as usual so beautiful and heartfelt. I thought of a verse I wanted to share with you that I am sure you know: Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you STAND in the presence of His glory, blameless, with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. (Jude 24,25) I love the way you wrote that while you don't know the answers, you know THE answer, Jesus. Love and prayers! Lisa
ReplyDeleteI love you and your beautiful, faithful heart sis.
ReplyDeleteMighty Warrior: Rick Pino
ReplyDeletemount up, mount up on the wings of eagles. He's with you. Mount up, mount up..mighty warrior, mighty warrior. So rise! So rise! The Lord is with you mighty warrior. The Lord is with you mighty warrior.
All I Can Say: David Crowder Band
both these songs came to my heart when I read your post....
You have stood precious sister. You are standing in spirit. Declaring "God is good." taken from
Dec. 16th's post.
God IS good.
The Lord is with you mighty warrior.
You have stood...You stand....you stand...
((hugs))))
...and after having done all to stand. stand. stand.
ReplyDeleteIt always gives me the picture of a war~weary soldier...doing all he can to stand, continually facing another battle before the prior one is over...tripping, but never staying down. Day in and day out...moving ever toward the goal no matter the giant ahead...
I know several fighting to stand. I ask Lord, please strengthen! Please refresh! And thank you thank you that it is in your strength we stand, for in your strength we will absolutely be victors! Halleluiah!
Melanie. When we feel like we can't stand any longer, we hold on to the Lord and not let go.
ReplyDelete"I can do all things thru Christ"
Sending hugs all the way from Texas. Still praying for you and your family.
Sandra
Oh Melanie. I can't even pretend to know how your heart aches for your son.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what it is like to truly stand in the Lord's presence. How amazed your Andrew must be.
love,
Lelia
Love you, Melanie. You are such a blessing to so many people.
ReplyDeleteDebra
I am of simple words my friend. But WE stand with you, beside you, and for you. We stand in the Hope that is Our God.
ReplyDeleteBrandi
Some days are so much harder to stand than others. Thanks for always encouraging us even though you are going through the toughest time. STill prayin...
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Tara
Melaine and family:
ReplyDeleteYour FAITH stands alone!
In a faithful God as you stand firm with Him to bring Him the greater glory in your tesitmony of HOPE that you are sharing with the World!
It was so refreshing to read your update words that said you don't have all the answers as you once thought you did. But now you share with us all - the TRUTH - that the only answer for any of us and all of us....
that answer is JESUS!
May He carry you, strengthen you, hold you up when you find it hard to STAND! Bless you for the Words of His TRUTH shared in this post!
Keep standing - FIRM in your FAITH - Believing God!
Choosing JOY, Stephanie
JESUS ONLY in 2010
Melanie, I'm amazed at how the Lord is upholding you during this time as ...you stand! Your testimony is inspirational to others who have walked that painful journey. May you also feel the comfort of your Christian sisters as we pray for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Debbie
I continue to pray for you and your family--for peace and comfort. I have been following your ordeal from the very beginning, and as I have done so, one thing I know now (for positive sure) is that with God foremost in your life, you can get through anything. I have certainly been inspired by you and have had my faith strengthened every time I read a post. Yes, I will remember that--sometimes all you can do is STAND.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you but I feel I do, I have read your blog for months now and I have cried with and for you. I am a mom of 2 - a 5 yr old princess and a 1 yr old busy boy! I have felt sad for you and the rest of your family because I feel your pain, I have lived your pain of loss when I lost my dad at a young age. I wanted to tell you you have blessed me by the way you stood through the storm and they way you are standing now...you have inspired me to love my family more and enjoy my children and husband to the max. Thank you for sharing your heart through this venue...may God continue to take care of you and yours. Love, Grisel
ReplyDeletewhile typing my comment here, i'm listening to Michael W. Smith's I Surrender All. i many not be in your shoes or feeling exactly how you must be feeling, but i understand pain. sometimes we know truths and facts but when it's already us going through the valley, it's so hard to grasp comfort from those same words we speak of. God knows and every tear He catches. God knows our hearts. He knows our pains. He knows, melanie, He knows...
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
Oh Melanie~ The Lord has so much to teach us as you share how you are processing what you are going through. Thank you for being open and sharing as you can.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family, dear Melanie...
Jennifer
Oh Melanie~ The Lord has so much to teach us as you share how you are processing what you are going through. Thank you for being open and sharing as you can.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family, dear Melanie...
Jennifer
Sometimes it is really hard to stand. Praying for you as you stand.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet Melanie! I was so excited to see your picture on my comment section! Thank you for taking the time to minister to me! We continue to pray for y'all.
ReplyDeleteThis post was full of strength from the Lord. THank you for sharing it! He will continue to hold you all up.
Hugs!
Susan
Dear "Bella ~ Mella"
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog from a link on a friend's blog.
My heart was so saddened to read your journey of the last few months with your precious Andrew. I also have a 12 year old child.
I read your pain and yet I am encouraged to read your encouragement to the rest of us in "blog land."
Hold tight to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and keep STANDING.
Blessings to you,
Kim
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and your family. I'm so sorry for all you've been through losing your precious son. I have a 12 yr. old boy too.
Praying the Lord comforts you as only He can.
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by my blog and sharing your wise words on giftedness and calling. I LOVE what you wrote.
But then my heart broke as I read your last words as your wrote about your sweet son, Andrew. So I came over here and saw his precious face. I have a 12 year old son, Bo, and your words make me want to come visit you right now, wrap my arms around you, hug your neck, and pray with you.
The richness of your faith pours forth through your pain. How God has prepared and filled you for such a time as this. Praying He will continue to be the strength of your heart and your portion forever!! Praying over the next weeks and months He will fill your broken, empty places with the fullness of His Presence. Praying He meets you in your times of loneliness and grief with His grace and compassion. Thank you for STANDING strong in your faith for all to see...bringing GLORY and HONOR to our KING.
Blessings to you,
Wendy
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteYes sister stand and I stand with you in prayer and in my heart.
I love ya girl,
Dawn
Standing with you and your family with arms of prayer about you. Beautiful photo.
ReplyDeleteI READ SO MUCH OF YOUR BLOG THIS IS MY 4 TIME VISITING. YOU ARE A AMAZING WOMEN! CANT AMAGINE THE PAIN OF LOSING A CHILD SO SO SORRY. YOUR TEACHING WILL BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL! GOD AS A PLAN! LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
ReplyDelete