Walls Protect

Part 2 ~ I Like Doors.

I have been thinking since I wrote I Like Doors that a little clarification may help the reader. The "wall" is not between myself and a friend. More of an acquaintance but one whom I see on a weekly basis.
I put the wall up to protect myself while in an extremely vulnerable and hurting state. I had to. Sometimes one may go along for years and be the "good girl." But sometimes being a "good girl" makes you feel very bad.

Your "good girl" may look different from my "good girl."
Allow me to describe my "good girl."

The "good girl" holds her tongue and sometimes bites it 'til it bleeds.

The "good girl" sees all sides but sometimes to the detriment of her own emotional health.

The "good girl" mistakenly believes that she is the only one able to "get over it."

The "good girl" is usually the first one to apologize for the sake of "clearing the air."

The "good girl" doesn't want to "rock the boat" or "ruffle feathers."

The "good girl" feels very bad if she messes up and hurts someone.

The "good girl" wants to crawl under a rock if she believes she has disappointed someone. Especially someone she respects.

For years, by my own reckoning, I was a "good girl."

But learning how to set healthy boundaries, identifying my core motivation, and recognizing that some one else's issues are really not all about me has helped me to release some of my "good girl" tendencies.

I realized after writing I Like Doors, then going for a run last night and thinking some things through this morning, that I was slipping back into the old "good girl" mode. But it is a tight fit. And I can no longer move around comfortably in it.

I also remembered that some parts of our lives are made for doors and other places require walls.
Knowing the difference allows for either appropriate access or necessary restraint.

Walls protect.

And right now this reformed "good girl" needs protecting for a little bit longer.

I like doors. But walls are good, too.

(Photos by Linda Charlene)

I Like Doors

I don't like to "mess up." But I do. Mess up.
Sometimes I talk too much. Sometimes I am not a good listener ~ especially if I am mid-thought and writing. And especially if what I am writing is coming together in a way that lets me know it might just be meaningful to someone besides me.
Later on when I realize I have talked too much or listened too little, I feel bad about that. I always intend to do better next time.

I am pretty good at tuning things out. My husband says I have a high tolerance for annoyances. Without my realizing it (at first), he tested it a couple of days ago. He was amazed. I wasn't. I have been honing that skill for years.
People are interesting. I think one can learn something from anyone. If you care to. Usually I care to.
But I do have my limits on that one. Right now...I have a limit on someone. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

I used to get these odd, back-handed compliments? a lot.
They usually went like this:
"You know,  (choose either one here; I've heard it in various ways) I didn't like you or I hated you, or I thought you were so conceited when I first met you. But now I really like you!"

Wow. Thanks. I think. You certainly know how to edify.

It's been a while since I got one of those. But several months ago I got another variation on the theme.

A woman told me I had offended her. I apologized. It had not been my intention to offend.
And then the truth was told regarding the offense.
It went something like this:

You know, I used to be like you. But now I have all these issues in my life. I'm jealous of you. (not a verbatim quote)

Ahhhhhh....if you wait for it, you'll hear the truth.

'Probably not jealous now.

So I'm left with a decision to make. A course of action. I have put it off. You understand why, considering the circumstances of the past several months.
But this thing is a wall to me. And I don't like walls. I like doors.

(photos by Linda Charlene.)