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Aug 30, 2010

Dear Mickey, (a letter)

I received this comment on my post "I Remember." I have no other way to reply to my dear sister in suffering than to post my letter to her and hope that she comes back to read it. And if you do, dear one, and if you would like private correspondence, my email is mdorsey@tampabay.rr.com.

Melanie, I come here and read often. Sometimes I go back and read some of your posts again. I lost my son 3 years ago and I am still struggling. My faith has been tested and I fear I am losing the battle. I ask God "why", a million times. My whole life has been very difficult and it was like this was the last straw. I can't seem to come up for air anymore and it is getting worse. How do you cope? You seem so strong and I feel so week. I want to love God but I feel like he has turned his back on me and I am not worthy. Even though I continue to go to church it just feels like an automatic motion. Everday I want to hug my son's neck and tell him I love him. I understand the hair you snipped from your son, unfortunately my son burned up in his car and we never saw him again. I have often wondered what would be worse, to lose them quickly,as I did or to have to watch helplessly and not know what to do, as you did. I think you are amazing and I wish I has your strength and faith. Please pray for me as I desperately want God in my life. Sometimes it feels like the pain takes my breath away and smothers everything.


Dear Mickey,

I feel your pain. I feel it because I can relate to the suffering, the death and the separation from a dearly loved child.

I also feel your pain in your wrestling with God. I have twisted, tossed and turned with God in confusion, anger and ultimately what boils down to an almost mind numbing disappointment.

Disappointment in a God, who could have done something, but who didn’t.

Let me recount a few of the highlights (perhaps more aptly they should be termed lowlights) that I have experienced in the past eight and a half months since Andrew made his journey to Heaven.

At his hospital bed in the hours before his passing, the four of us hovered as close to Andrew as possible. We huddled together as we spoke tenderly to him, kissed him and caressed him.

I spoke to my husband and our other two children.

“Whatever happens, we do not give up our faith in God. We do not blame Him and we do not turn our backs on Him. We resist being disappointed in Him.”

Well, three of those things I have not given in to. However, the last – disappointment in God…I have to own that one.

I have been very disappointed that God did not honor our faith, and did not do what I believe His word teaches, honor His very Word concerning healing.

(I have promised God I will be honest with Him, honest with myself and honest with others. And so I share here honestly.)

At Andrew’s funeral we stood as a family, with our hands lifted to the Heavens as praise and worship music was sung. We sang and we worshipped.
(It has taken me months to say the “f” word. I usually refer to it as Andrew’s service.)

It was many months later that I would lift my hand high like that in praise again. I could have faked it for the sake of people who may have been observing me. But I had promised to be honest. And I could have taken the approach of fake it‘til you make it or attitude follows action. I could also have offered a sacrifice of praise. But I refused to give what didn’t come from the heart. Sacrifice of any kind must first come from the heart. It must cost you something or it is falsely labeled sacrifice.

You ask me how I cope.

I can give you some practical ways that have helped me get through my days and nights. Nights have been the worst. (I’ll give some of those practical ways at the conclusion of this letter.)

You tell me I seem so strong.
I am always surprised when people tell me I am strong. I have never felt strong. But what I have felt is determined.

Determined to feel the pain and not avoid it.

Determined to get healthy for my husband and children.

Determined to lead others to a Savior who led the way for us to be reconciled to the Father.

I had a close family member tell me when I was questioning so many things about God, that she thought it was too early for me to be reconsidering my theology.

I had to disagree.

I began my wrestling with God the month after Andrew passed on to Heaven.

I needed to find out from getting in God’s face how He expected me to go on.

Not just go on with this physical life.

But how to go on in my walking out my faith. What would that look like now? What would I look like now? What did HE expect of me now?

Now that my worst fears were realized. Now that all I wanted to do was die so I could go to Andrew.

Now that I felt so many eyes watching me…waiting to see what I would do…wondering if my faith would withstand such a devastating loss.

I am not strong. I am weak. But I am determined that in my weakness, the power of God will be revealed. The power of God to draw others to the cross, to the wounded side of Jesus and to the boundless, bottomless, beautiful love of God.

Mickey, God loves you. HE LOVES YOU!

He is not disappointed in you. He is not removed from you.

He may be silent at times. He may be hidden at times.


His eyes are upon you. His heart is for you. He listens to the prayers of Jesus interceding for you.

He loves your boy and he loves HIS boy.

You have been separated from your son for 3 years. I have been separated from my son for nearly nine months.

But God was separated from His Son for 33 years.

That separation was for me.
For you.
For our sons.

I'm going to stop for now but I have more to tell you.
Please know that I am praying for you, dear sister. I PROMISE TO PRAY FOR YOU. And I'll be praying as a sister who has "been there"...who is still "there" in some ways.


  1. This is a beautiful, honest, heartfelt letter. I have felt many of the things you describe here, (as you know) but for different reasons. I hope and pray that Mickey can read this someday.

  2. Oh Lord ~ Bring Mickey hear but more importantly bring Mickey to YOU and may she feel YOUR Love, YOUR Comfort and YOUR Peace even in this very moment!

    Melaine! You and your heart are soo beautiful....I love you dear friend!

  3. Dear Mickey,

    I've never walked down the path you are on.

    I've only watched closely as my mother buried her son.

    He was murdered.

    He was 18, a senior in high school.

    There was days, we truthfully didn't think she would "make it"...

    But what kept her, was JESUS.

    She never let go, she told us she could not understand how He could GIVE UP His only son, for us.

    Like Melanie, she knew she had to continue to live, when many times she did not want to.

    She also had to forgive another person.

    None of us know how we would face such loss.

    But Jesus would.

    He's there, with His outstretched arms, longing for you, as His child to come to Him.

    He wants to heal your broken heart. He wants to make you whole again.

    He is so near to you now, I pray you feel all the love He has for you.

    I will continue to pray for you Mickey.

    We love you. My heart aches for you.

    Please let this precious sister walk with you know.

  4. I know that GOD is using you Melanie. He is using you to help other mom's who have lost a child. You have helped me in SO many ways. After I lost Jeremy I too felt like God had turned his back on me. I learned very quickly that he didn't. Somehow though, I still couldn't understand why I had to sit back and watch my son suffer with that evil cancer for so long. That is when, at times, I felt alone. But then, God did show me miracles. So many times. I knew then, I wasn't alone. I wish I could have known that all along. I still feel bad that I had to see a miracle to feel Him. In the end you know that he chose to take our boy's. But he is still the same God today as he was then.
    I hope and pray that Mickey can find the answers she is looking for. I know through your words and encouragement, she will.
    Will we ever be ~strong~ again? That strong person we were before this. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that every day we will get stronger. All through His love.

  5. Well done my friend, and written only by someone who has been through the pain of losing a child.....We do not know why these things happen, but God does and if we trust him as we should it will all work out for out good.....love you, .....:-) Hugs

  6. Bless you for being there for this dear sister. You are so precious sis. I love you.

  7. Melanie, who better than you to minister to another hurting and grieving mother. Your response was so honest. It's obvious you have the love of Jesus in you and it overflows to others. How sensitive you were to Mickey at this moment.

    I pray my sister might one day accompany you to church. I continue to pray for her and her husband.

    Blessings and love,

  8. Melanie....think you so much for your kindness. I feel like I was rambling and did not mean to do that. I am the third generation to lose a child in a car wreck. My grandmother lost her daughter (my aunt) who was 32, our family was devastated. Three years later my brother was killed in a car wreck, my mother and father could not cope and finally divorced. I lived the life of having a grieving mother and prayed that it would never happen to me. I knew too well what the death of a child did to the whole family. My prayers were not for wealth or cars or big homes, my prayers were for the health of my children and to never lose one like that. I still remember the knock on the door when my brother was killed and then I received the same knock. I fell to my knees and screamed "O God please no". My son had died and we would have to wait for identification....he had burned up. They got a print off of a finger and sent it to the army and it didn't match. I had hope, maybe it was not him, maybe someone had stole his car. That was not to be, they used dental files to identify him, it took a week. I could not see him or say goodbye or ever hold him again. I asked if I could just see one of his hands ( he had beautiful hands) they said no. I was living my mother and grandmother's nightmare. I think this is why I am struggling so, why were none of my prayers answered, especially when that is all I prayed for...........Mickey

  9. Dear Mickey, I ramble a lot!
    I am so sorry for the injustices that have happened in your family. Too much tragedy in one family.
    It is such an awful thing you have had to endure.
    If you want to send me your email, I would be glad to communicate with you privately.
    But I do want to tell you a few things that have helped me in a "practical" sense to regain some emotional and physical health even when I felt spiritually weak.
    And there is one more thing that has helped me and I want to share that, too.

  10. Melanie......my email is bub1974@hotmail.com. I, like you have other children but they are grown and gone from the home. I never realized how much I would miss those little voices echoing in the house, even though sometimes I thought I would pull my hair out! I had five children, my last were twins,one of whom just deployed for overseas. I miss him and pray for a safe return. I am a teacher for autistic children in a communication classroom. It keeps me busy but I am off right now with a back problem and have too much time to sit and think! Once again thanks for your kindness, you are a very special person......Mickey

  11. Melanie & Mickey:

    I thank you both for these heartfelt expressions. I have no words... only prayers for your hurting hearts. I know that you are helping so many who read this. I pray for God to continue to heal your hearts. You are both so special!

  12. Takes my breath away to read each post/comment. I have two friends who have lost children. One not saved but has turned to and embraced God/Jesus with all her heart and now reaches out to others in our community who have lost children. The other a long time Christian and minister who has all but denounced God and after 9 years has become a hermit. Such similarities yet such vast difference in response. I pray for each of them as I will now/continue to pray for each of you. Thanking God for people willing to be vulnerable in the midst of unimaginable pain and allow God to use them for His Glory! You inspire me!!!

  13. Melanie:

    This is where you join another link in the chair of hope and purpose to what God is doing. Thank you for reaching out to Mickey - and may you take hold of this opportunity to speak life back into this precious soul.


    I lost my husband [to cancer] and also a best friend who died in 1989 when she was 32 - also in a car wreck]. I too, did not get to see her as they had only a closed casket. It took a long time for me to get over her passing... but at that time I tried to heal from it on my own. I pushed others away and put up a wall around me because of it.

    I'm glad to see that you reached out to Melanie. She has so much to offer you and share with you about our God and His goodness and love for you!

    I will be praying for you as others on this site have pledged to do. Melanie will walk you by the hand and you can help each other - allowing God to hold both of your hands in His!
    He's the Leader along the path - the Good Shepherd who cares for His sheep.

    Seek JESUS with all your heart so that He may be found by you and bring you peace.

    Choosing JOY, Stephanie

  14. This is my first time visiting this blog, and I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Your words are filled with compassion and empathy and understanding. I am so deeply sorry for the sorrow you and your family have experienced. Words are insufficient sometimes, especially in moments of tragedy, but your words here speak of life and healing.


  15. I would love to thank Melanie and all of you for your kindness and understanding. I am afraid I will slip away from God and I do not want that. Thank you for your prayers and thank you Melanie for being the person you are.


  16. I have followed your blog for a little while but never commented. I must say this is one of the most touching/inspiring exchanges I have ever witnessed and am so very thankful for the world of blogging. I pray for both of you beautiful ladies:)