Road Trip

Family in Annapolis
~ Forever A Family of Five~
Always carrying Andrew in our hearts...

We took a road trip last week.
Annapolis, DC, Williamsburg
Cracker Barrel (twice!)
rest areas - too many stops to remember,
AM radio,
We visited friends who offered gracious hospitality.
I had a " first" - eating sushi.
I liked the Crunchy Ebi the best (shrimp).

Joss Cafe and Sushi Bar
Featured on the Food Network "The Best Thing I Ever Ate."
My favorite was the Crunchy Ebi - shrimp, not raw.

In DC on election Tuesday

My favorite place
My heart could barely contain the beauty in this place.

One of my favorites!

"Benedict Arnold" at Colonial Williamsburg

To War.

Gorgeous fall colors!

Don't worry, Babe. I'll get you the best public defender money can buy!

We walk this way.



In The Midst of the Waves

Andrew

I can breathe again. Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

I ran last night. I ran fast and it felt good. After the first mile I pulled the elastic that held my hair and slipped it over my wrist. Immediately I felt the tension ease from my scalp. The breeze blew my hair over my shoulders. I thought about people who are hurting and want so badly for the tension and pain they face to be gone. To ease. To let up.

Andrew faces the wave.

I thought of someone I know who has faced many losses in her life and I have more compassion for her than ever before. She has made unwise decisions in her desperation for the emotional pain to ease. I understand her better now.

Yesterday I read Psalm 27 ~ Andrew's psalm.
I thought how often I read those fourteen verses to Andrew, over Andrew and as a prayer for Andrew.

The 13th and 14th verses read:

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.


Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!"


Yesterday the ocean's waves settled a bit. I was able to stand again and take a deep breath.

Today I will fix my hair. I will remove the weeks old polish from a gift certificate pedicure my good friend gave me. I will put some tea bags on my swollen eyes. I will bake some banana bread and some pumpkin spice muffins, too.

I will read 5 Psalms and a Proverb. I will be grateful for the gift of mothering Andrew for nearly 13 years. I will smile at the thought of seeing him again and kissing those "freckers."

Andrew ~ summer '09

People who have walked this same path tell me I am experiencing the normal process of grieving. An employee of Hospice, who also lost a son, told me it was two years before she felt like herself again.

I will do my best to live in my present and invest in my future. I will lay up my treasure in Heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys nor thieves break in and steal.

My husband and our boys, Avery & Andrew ~ summer '09

I do not know how many more times the wave of intense emotional pain will knock me underwater. But I am determined to build myself up in the "meantimes" so that I know without fear of doubt that my life is preserved by the One who will never leave me. Just as I know He was in the middle of the storm with me last year, I know He is in the midst of the waves as well.

My niece, Hayley...I wrote the verse to accompany her joyous jump!
"She leaps in the sunset,
Water at her feet.
Arms in joyful pose,
Blessings are replete."

Faith Under Water

This morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I didn't look like me. I was me but it was definitely the rough, ragged, barely hanging on version of me. My hair was dirty. My eyes were terribly swollen and I was on day two of a migraine. I had not slept well in a few nights and I had not felt happiness in several days.

In this season of grief, it seems I get 2 - 3 weeks of feeling "just ok" and having some happy moments and even some laughs. Then a crashing wave of overwhelming emotion, sadness and depression knocks me to my knees and under the salty water I am turned and tossed, not able to identify which way is above the water.

I try very hard to get back up and gasp fresh air. But the force of the rolling ocean's wave is brutal.
While underwater, I cry and pray and plead with the One who created the tides to bring me some relief. I sort by memory the scriptures which promise the ever present fellowship of the Lord and the peace He left us. I consider many times making a call for help here and a cry for help there for something that I cannot seem to give to myself. But I am afraid to divulge too much because I can't control the response nor the outcome. And I know, too, that as ferocious as the wave is, the water will calm again. Finally the rolling wave will subside and I will stand upright again.

Yesterday I began to consider that the overwhelming wave that comes is sent as an attack by that old enemy and liar, the accuser.
I know that there is a process to grieving and yet I also know that I have been in the Refiner's fire and God is engraving a message on my heart.
In the *message that I gave at the Ladies Tea in MD last month I spoke of three questions that I had asked of God in the nine months since Andrew's Heavenly Homegoing.

1. If You are not who I thought You were, then who are You?

2. What do you want from me?

3. What can I expect from You?

So whether I face sunshine, rain or crashing waves, still my faith endures and by God's grace, I will deliver His message of hope, healing and Heaven's reward.

However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Luke 18:8

*If you are interested in a DVD of that message, let me know in a comment.

Random Dozen!

The questions are here: http://2nd-cup-of-coffee.blogspot.com/2010/10/random-dozen-i-get-by-with-little-help.html
Link up here: http://2nd-cup-of-coffee.blogspot.com/2010/10/its-midnight-link-up-for-random.html

Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie?
I rarely read fiction, so I would say the movie...however, I only watch comedies.


2. What is your favorite holiday and why?
My favorite holiday used to be Thanksgiving ~ family and food but none of the gift giving pressure. But since Andrew went to Heaven last December, I'm not into holidays. In fact, I would like to fast forward through Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach?
Beach and fortunately I live just a few minutes from one.
4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive?
I have no clue. I never think about that.
5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage?
Unsweetened tea and Simply Lemonade...heavier on the tea. Cold weather, hot weather - it doesn't matter in Florida.
6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook?
I do not like talking on the phone unless I really have to or need to return a call to family or friend. So...email or FB is much better than the phone. Face to face is best.
7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box?
Mailbox at end of drive.
8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? (See definitions below.)
Most evident: melancholy Least: Sanguine (I think way too much!)
9. What do you miss the most about being 20?
Looking forward to the earthly future. Now I look forward to Heaven.
10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning?
I don't work outside the home, so I get my coffee, change my clothes and take the dog out. That takes a couple of hours....just kidding...it only takes a few minutes b/c sometimes I take him out in my pj's.
11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family?
My man mostly. Sometimes I will change the oil. Just kidding. Sometimes I take care of some of the bills. I used to be the bill payer 100% of the time. Life changes.
12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited?
I have lived in 11 states and have visited more than that.

College Girl Meets Southern Boy ~ part 5

One Sunday changed my world.

The first time I saw Mr. Dorsey was in church. My dad was the new pastor and I was singing in the choir. I saw Gina sitting in the pew and next to her was a good looking guy I had never seen. I remember thinking,“Where did Gina find him?”



There had been lots of nice and nice looking guys in college. I had dated a few and even thought I had found “the one” a couple of times.


But since moving to this small Georgia town, I had seen nary a fellow that I might even be slightly interested in.


After church I made it my business to find out about the good looking stranger. Turned out he and Gina were just friends and he worked for her brother-in-law. "Yay!"


And Gina and his sister were friends. And I again I say, “Yay!”


He called a few days later and asked me on a date. He suggested the fair.


When I think back to those days of dating, I almost let a couple of really silly things become “deal breakers.”


Things that are so insignificant in the face of real love.


Things that do not make the radar screen when the two of you have, together, faced down trials, disease, accidents, death.


What were the some of the attractive qualities I saw in Mr. Dorsey?


Here are just a few:


Christ follower
Handsome
Kind
Athletic




What was it that kept me from focusing on nit-picking deal breakers?


He loved me. He really loved me. He loved me for me. He valued me. He never tried to make me into a different kind of person. He already loved the me I was.
(Before meeting him, others I had dated seemed to want me to be like someone else. I never felt completely enough as I already was. And maybe that is when you know you have found the right one. He loves the you, you already are.)


We’ve been through tragedy. We’ve clung tightly to each other through it. I fell in love with him all over again as I watched him tenderly care for Andrew. He tended to him as a shepherd for a lamb. I watched. My heart swelled. And then my heart broke. And Mr. Dorsey, my husband, caught the pieces in his hands.


One Sunday my world changed.




We took Andrew to an art show Spring '09. He took this picture.



Our Family ~ Ski Trip '07

Recognize & Acknowledge

Sitting in  the choir loft Sunday morning, I was startled by a video. It highlighted our church's mid-week boys' class. It was the group that Andrew was a part of for a few years. He always liked the fishing, the shooting and campfire making the best. The book work, he endured. (That's our boy!)
Over the next few minutes, I felt the cruelty of not having our boy.
Cancer stinks.
We don't know why brain cancer attacked our boy. I don't want any other child to go through it. I don't want any other family to be in agony over a cancer diagnosis and death.
Sometimes when I see boys Andrew's age, the pain is overwhelming. I wonder why our boy. We tried to do all the right things to protect him ~ spirit, soul and body.

Still, cancer came.

Sometimes when I am out running in my neighborhood I see a boy riding a bike whose hair is the color of honey, like Andrew's.
Sometimes I close my eyes just a little and imagine it is Andrew for just a moment.
Sometimes I hear the familiar sound of skateboarding down our street and I miss hearing that right outside my door. I miss hearing Andrew skateboarding up our driveway, into the garage and coming in the side door with his hair plastered with sweat to his head.


Sometimes I see the friends he played with out playing now. It hurts. I often avoid the top of our street for that reason.


As the video played, I felt the heat rising in my body, tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. My hands began to shake. I wanted to escape. But I knew it would cause distraction and I would just feel worse making a scene.
The lady to my left reached for her purse and withdrew a tissue. She pressed it into my hand and then she placed her hand on my knee.
Grief and overwhelming sadness was recognized.
I grabbed her hand as the video seemed interminable and held on for dear life.
Grief and overwhelming sadness acknowledged.


I often feel that people don't know what to do with me anymore. And I wonder if it is more a reflection of my own discomfort. Should I try to explain how difficult it is being in church?
There are several reasons. Our family has discussed them. I think it would be very hard for someone to understand unless they have been in a very similiar situation.


It starts with driving to church. Instead of five of us in our van, there are four. Andrew always sat right behind me. Then there is the pew. Not five any longer, but four. We sat there believing and praying for a miracle as Andrew sat beside us. The elders of the church prayed for him and he was anointed with oil.


Our choir has begun rehearsing for Christmas and I remember that last December the five of us sat together and as the choir sang, Andrew leaned into me and whispered in my ear, "It's not the same without you up there, Mom."  That was only two weeks before he passed to Heaven.


Although doing life is sometimes difficult, we keep pressing forward. We do the hard things. I admit I do not always smile through it. But I do it. Can that be good enough sometimes?


I guess I'm sharing this to let you know that if you are in the presence of someone who is walking through a storm, in whatever phase that may be, you really don't have to say much. Please don't preach or tell them you know how they feel. Please don't offer platitudes and be very careful about "sharing" Scripture.


Just recognize and acknowledge.
Eye contact. A hug. A pat on the back. A squeeze of the hand.
That is comfort.


As in our case of our loss of Andrew, I want people who know him to talk about him when it feels right. That makes us feel good!
Please don't pretend he never existed. If you have a story to share, tell me. Maybe he came to your mind recently, tell me. Though we don't have his physical presence at this time, he is still with us. He is always in our family of five.

Forever A Family of "5"

"It's not the same without you down here, Andrew."

October 2009 ~ at church

A couple of nights ago as we lay in bed, I told my husband, "I want Andrew back."
He replied, "And he wants us home."

Seven

Melanie at Mel's Coffee Break tagged me to anwer these 7 questions. I, in turn, will tag 7 bloggers with 7 new questions of my choosing.


1. What is your life slogan / verse / motto?

My motto for life used to be this quote by John Maxwell, "Change is inevitable; growth is optional."

However, since my son's diagnosis of brain cancer and subsequent homegoing, my life slogan is this: "Life is hard. Look to Jesus."


2. What one piece of advice would you give to your "younger" self if you could?

Figure out who you really are, get very comfortable with that and then go and BE YOU. In doing that, you will invite others to really BE themselves, too.


3. What do you enjoy most about blogging?

The discipline of writing
The opportunity to process my life
 Making connections with others

4. Do you have any dreams that have been on the back-burner that you still would like to achieve?

I have a couple of areas in which I would like to be certified.

5. What is something new you would like to learn?

paddleboarding

photo from http://www.yoloboard.com/

6. What is something about you that we would be surprised to learn?

I am an introvert and am often more comfortable "public speaking" in front of hundreds rather than simply "being" in a group setting. I actually feel anxiety in a group in which I do not have a "job."  And although it may take some time for me to form a deep bond with another person, when that happens I am a very loyal friend.

7. If you found $100 bill, (lucky you!) what would you buy?

These or these or these

or this ~ which is what I really need.

Here are the 7 bloggers I picked. If you are not "into" this, no worries!

Brandi http://bbmommy2.blogspot.com/
Denise http://shortybearsplace.blogspot.com/
Julie http://www.juliegillies.com/
Kelly http://www.chattykelly.com/
Linda http://2nd-cup-of-coffee.blogspot.com/
Lisa http://lifeoflisasmith.blogspot.com/
Tiffany http://www.teawithtiffany.com/


Here are your 7 new questions:

1. Not counting attending church, what is your favorite activity that you consistently do on Sundays?

2. At what age or season in your life do you feel you looked your best?

3. Would you rather win a personal makeover/shopping spree with an image consultant, a one room makeover/shopping spree with an interior designer, or a personal chef who would cater a fabulous meal for a party at your home?


4. If a movie were made of your life, which actors would portray you and your husband?

5. If you had the power to choose one of these, which would it be?
I would be taller.
I would never go gray.
I would always look younger than my age.

6. Which of these positive first impressions would you prefer to make?
funny
friendly
confident

7. Pie or Cake?