In The Midst of the Waves

Andrew

I can breathe again. Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

I ran last night. I ran fast and it felt good. After the first mile I pulled the elastic that held my hair and slipped it over my wrist. Immediately I felt the tension ease from my scalp. The breeze blew my hair over my shoulders. I thought about people who are hurting and want so badly for the tension and pain they face to be gone. To ease. To let up.

Andrew faces the wave.

I thought of someone I know who has faced many losses in her life and I have more compassion for her than ever before. She has made unwise decisions in her desperation for the emotional pain to ease. I understand her better now.

Yesterday I read Psalm 27 ~ Andrew's psalm.
I thought how often I read those fourteen verses to Andrew, over Andrew and as a prayer for Andrew.

The 13th and 14th verses read:

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.


Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!"


Yesterday the ocean's waves settled a bit. I was able to stand again and take a deep breath.

Today I will fix my hair. I will remove the weeks old polish from a gift certificate pedicure my good friend gave me. I will put some tea bags on my swollen eyes. I will bake some banana bread and some pumpkin spice muffins, too.

I will read 5 Psalms and a Proverb. I will be grateful for the gift of mothering Andrew for nearly 13 years. I will smile at the thought of seeing him again and kissing those "freckers."

Andrew ~ summer '09

People who have walked this same path tell me I am experiencing the normal process of grieving. An employee of Hospice, who also lost a son, told me it was two years before she felt like herself again.

I will do my best to live in my present and invest in my future. I will lay up my treasure in Heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys nor thieves break in and steal.

My husband and our boys, Avery & Andrew ~ summer '09

I do not know how many more times the wave of intense emotional pain will knock me underwater. But I am determined to build myself up in the "meantimes" so that I know without fear of doubt that my life is preserved by the One who will never leave me. Just as I know He was in the middle of the storm with me last year, I know He is in the midst of the waves as well.

My niece, Hayley...I wrote the verse to accompany her joyous jump!
"She leaps in the sunset,
Water at her feet.
Arms in joyful pose,
Blessings are replete."

Fearless - Continued & MRI update

Today on the way to get the MRI w/sedation, Andrew vomited so it was a no go because the place we were sent to was not a hospital with capabilities of using a breathing tube in case of vomiting under sedation.
We are rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon at All Children's Hospital.
PLEASE PRAY THAT WE HAVE WISDOM. We are beginning to wonder if these delays are "God delays." We just don't know.
But what I do know is God is a good God and always worthy and always trustworthy.
No doubt about it!
Still standing in faith for THE MIRACLE FOR ANDREW.

I had reached a breaking point. The fear that gripped my mind was so strong at times I felt as though an actual presence was overshadowing me. I hesitate to share that in the thought that some may find it too much to read and thereby too much to believe. But the Bible does talk about a "spirit of fear" (2 Timothy 1:7).

I can remember like snapshots in time when I was terribly afraid at night. The kind of fear that makes you sweat but still you pull the covers up over your head. There were moments of sheer terror in which I tried not to even move a muscle and longed for the relief that comes from falling asleep until the morning sun lit my room. But I never told anyone. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not my husband. Fear had me convinced that speaking about it would make it that much worse. And I didn't think I would survive the nights if they were any worse than what I was already experiencing.

Fear paralyzed me when I was pregnant with our first child. My husband worked third shift and I and my swollen belly were alone in the dark. Fear continued its torment when my husband's work required frequent travel. I became a "door checker," double checking that the doors were locked even when I knew they were.
We had a king sized bed and I could relax better if all three children were with me at night behind a locked door. I did my best to hide my intense fearfulness from everyone, especially my children.
Maybe someone reading this is "there" now. Just keep reading. There is deliverance from the "spirit of fear." I am a walking testimony of that!

When I reached my breaking point it coincided with my hunger to know God's Word and to have a closer, more intimate relationship with Jesus. I felt I should fast for a breakthrough.
More later...it's late and we have a long day tomorrow.

~~~~

Please pray that the tumors will not grow. We aren't scheduled to start treatment until next Monday and Andrew just told me that it is getting harder to move his leg. We are looking into other treatments in other places but time is of the essence.

Continued here from Tuesday's post:

Our church was having a special guest, a man who taught on fasting. He had lived a lifestyle of fasting and had seen great results through it. The church was encouraged to fast.
I made up my mind to fast for 3 days in order to hear from God and to seek freedom from the "spirit of fear." At the conclusion of fasting I attended the night service in which our pastor had told us to expect a move of God.
I went expecting to be freed, delivered once and for all, from fear. I sat in the pew and the time came when the pastor began to pray for people. I sat waiting for what I thought would be my opportunity. I sat with my heart beating furiously and my palms pouring sweat. I sat waiting for my opportunity.
My opportunity came in a way I didn't expect.
The pastor called for people who had "addictions."
At the word "addictions," I felt I should go for prayer but I didn't have an "addiction."
And yet, I still felt that I should go forward for prayer.
I thought, "What if this is my opportunity and I miss it because of pride?"

When you are really desperate for freedom, for relief, for God to do something big for you, you lose your pride. You put what others may think about you behind. How badly did I want to be freed from the overwhelming, paralyzing fear that arrived in the night to terrorize me?

I must tell you here that I knew ALL of the scriptures regarding fear. I quoted them over and again when fear attacked me. I prayed and wondered what else I could possibly do to rid myself of this enemy. Many times I thought of the words of Jesus to His disciples: "This kind can only come out by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29.

I hesistated only a moment at the word "addiction," and then I got up and walked down the aisle where the pastor stood. He layed his hand on my forehead and prayed for me. In that moment I felt different and I knew something had happened.

From that night on I have never suffered from fear to the extent that I had before fasting and being prayed for to break an "addiction."
Yes, I have felt the "temptation" to give into fear but I always remind myself and even speak aloud that God delivered me from a "spirit of fear." There have been many more nights in which the children and I have been alone due to my husband's job requiring travel. A couple of years ago, he was in Australia for 5 weeks! I have learned to give our home and our children, my husband and myself to the safekeeping of THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ALWAYS TRUSTWORTHY. I trust Him with our lives and with our livelihood.
With Andrew's diagnosis, there have been many opportunities to fear, yet I am continuing to "lay him on the altar" knowing that God's intentions toward Him are good. I remind myself of the life of Joseph and what the enemy meant as a means to destroy Joseph, God turned for Joseph's good. We fully expect God to do the same for Andrew and for our family.

God doesn't give people cancer. God gave His Son, Jesus, who suffered on our behalf so we wouldn't have to. God is well acquainted with a suffering Son. His Son suffered so mine would not. Isaiah 53:5 tells me, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and BY HIS WOUNDS WE ARE HEALED."

I have never shared this story of my deliverance from the "spirit of fear." Why do I share it now? Because I have committed to God that in what we are walking through with Andrew, GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED.
And if that means, opening myself up to you on a blog and making myself vulnerable to misunderstanding and perhaps even criticism because your theology differs from what I believe, then so be it.
I am officially out of the business of "impression management." That means I have relinquished my "need" to manage what anyone thinks of me.
If you struggle with fear, it would be my privilege to add your name to my personal prayer journal.
"Thanks be to God who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him" 2 Cor. 2:14
Andrew's Psalm - Psalm 27.
I love you, sisters.