Dear Mickey, (a letter)

I received this comment on my post "I Remember." I have no other way to reply to my dear sister in suffering than to post my letter to her and hope that she comes back to read it. And if you do, dear one, and if you would like private correspondence, my email is mdorsey@tampabay.rr.com.

Melanie, I come here and read often. Sometimes I go back and read some of your posts again. I lost my son 3 years ago and I am still struggling. My faith has been tested and I fear I am losing the battle. I ask God "why", a million times. My whole life has been very difficult and it was like this was the last straw. I can't seem to come up for air anymore and it is getting worse. How do you cope? You seem so strong and I feel so week. I want to love God but I feel like he has turned his back on me and I am not worthy. Even though I continue to go to church it just feels like an automatic motion. Everday I want to hug my son's neck and tell him I love him. I understand the hair you snipped from your son, unfortunately my son burned up in his car and we never saw him again. I have often wondered what would be worse, to lose them quickly,as I did or to have to watch helplessly and not know what to do, as you did. I think you are amazing and I wish I has your strength and faith. Please pray for me as I desperately want God in my life. Sometimes it feels like the pain takes my breath away and smothers everything.

Mickey




Dear Mickey,

I feel your pain. I feel it because I can relate to the suffering, the death and the separation from a dearly loved child.


I also feel your pain in your wrestling with God. I have twisted, tossed and turned with God in confusion, anger and ultimately what boils down to an almost mind numbing disappointment.


Disappointment in a God, who could have done something, but who didn’t.


Let me recount a few of the highlights (perhaps more aptly they should be termed lowlights) that I have experienced in the past eight and a half months since Andrew made his journey to Heaven.


At his hospital bed in the hours before his passing, the four of us hovered as close to Andrew as possible. We huddled together as we spoke tenderly to him, kissed him and caressed him.


I spoke to my husband and our other two children.


“Whatever happens, we do not give up our faith in God. We do not blame Him and we do not turn our backs on Him. We resist being disappointed in Him.”


Well, three of those things I have not given in to. However, the last – disappointment in God…I have to own that one.


I have been very disappointed that God did not honor our faith, and did not do what I believe His word teaches, honor His very Word concerning healing.


(I have promised God I will be honest with Him, honest with myself and honest with others. And so I share here honestly.)


At Andrew’s funeral we stood as a family, with our hands lifted to the Heavens as praise and worship music was sung. We sang and we worshipped.
(It has taken me months to say the “f” word. I usually refer to it as Andrew’s service.)


It was many months later that I would lift my hand high like that in praise again. I could have faked it for the sake of people who may have been observing me. But I had promised to be honest. And I could have taken the approach of fake it‘til you make it or attitude follows action. I could also have offered a sacrifice of praise. But I refused to give what didn’t come from the heart. Sacrifice of any kind must first come from the heart. It must cost you something or it is falsely labeled sacrifice.


You ask me how I cope.


I can give you some practical ways that have helped me get through my days and nights. Nights have been the worst. (I’ll give some of those practical ways at the conclusion of this letter.)

You tell me I seem so strong.
I am always surprised when people tell me I am strong. I have never felt strong. But what I have felt is determined.


Determined to feel the pain and not avoid it.


Determined to get healthy for my husband and children.


Determined to lead others to a Savior who led the way for us to be reconciled to the Father.


I had a close family member tell me when I was questioning so many things about God, that she thought it was too early for me to be reconsidering my theology.


I had to disagree.


I began my wrestling with God the month after Andrew passed on to Heaven.


I needed to find out from getting in God’s face how He expected me to go on.


Not just go on with this physical life.


But how to go on in my walking out my faith. What would that look like now? What would I look like now? What did HE expect of me now?


Now that my worst fears were realized. Now that all I wanted to do was die so I could go to Andrew.


Now that I felt so many eyes watching me…waiting to see what I would do…wondering if my faith would withstand such a devastating loss.


I am not strong. I am weak. But I am determined that in my weakness, the power of God will be revealed. The power of God to draw others to the cross, to the wounded side of Jesus and to the boundless, bottomless, beautiful love of God.


Mickey, God loves you. HE LOVES YOU!


He is not disappointed in you. He is not removed from you.


He may be silent at times. He may be hidden at times.


But he HAS NOT TURNED HIS BACK ON YOU.


His eyes are upon you. His heart is for you. He listens to the prayers of Jesus interceding for you.


He loves your boy and he loves HIS boy.


You have been separated from your son for 3 years. I have been separated from my son for nearly nine months.


But God was separated from His Son for 33 years.


That separation was for me.
For you.
For our sons.

I'm going to stop for now but I have more to tell you.
Please know that I am praying for you, dear sister. I PROMISE TO PRAY FOR YOU. And I'll be praying as a sister who has "been there"...who is still "there" in some ways.

I Remember

On vacation at Rock City in TN
Andrew RESTING on THE ROCK

In the first days after we kissed Andrew's cheek for the last time and I cut that bit of hair from his head before they closed the lid on him, I remember the pain I was in.

While making funeral plans, I kept telling myself - almost robotically, "It's just a jar of clay. It's just a jar of clay. When we put his body in that grave, it's just a jar of clay."

That mantra was soon replaced with, "He's not really there. He's in Heaven. He's in Heaven and he's perfectly fine. He's perfectly fine. Jesus, kiss Andrew for me and tell him his mother loves him and I'll see him soon. Please tell him for me."

I had terrible flashbacks of him being on life support and not being able to communicate with him. I would sit on my couch in my robe for hours and everywhere I looked, I "saw" him. I had waited on him...helping him walk through the house, helping him even in the bathroom. Once when he was on his own in the bathroom, I heard him fall. I screamed and ran to the door. It was locked. I got the key to unlock it but I couldn't open the door because he lay on his back with his head against the bottom of the door. How could I help him? How? Somehow he managed to slide himself down and away from the door. Somehow he managed without the aid of his left arm and with very little help from his left leg. I helped him up and then I began helping him each time in the bathroom.
He had to give up his privacy. I reminded him that I had helped all the time when he was little and that I would not "look" at him when I was helping him.
And he said, "It's ok, Mom. I don't care anymore."
And I felt bad for my twelve year old son, not a little boy any longer and not yet a man, but having to "grow up" in the worst possible way.
He had to accept the loss of so many things. And in such a short time. Barely 4 months from diagnosis to death.
Once I caught him staring at his face in the bathroom mirror.
He said, "I look funny. The left side of my face doesn't match the right side."
I said, "You look good to me. You'll get everything back. It may take some time but you'll recover."

Andrew enjoying his PASSION!

In those first few days, I would suddenly struggle to breathe. I had panic attacks and in the middle of them I would pace through the house and talk to myself aloud. I felt like pulling my hair out. All I could pray was, "Help me, God. Help me, God. PLEASE HELP ME."

There were times I would have to lie on my bed because I felt so physically overwhelmed. I remember actually feeling as though I were in some kind of reverse labor. It was as if I wanted to take my son and have him return to me...to the safety of my womb. I literally writhed on my bed as though I were having contractions.

I still sleep with Andrew's robe every night. If I awake and it's not near me, I just reach out my hand and it's there. I pull it closer and say, "Stay in my heart, Andrew. Just stay in my heart." 

Some of you said you would like to hear how I made it moment by moment even when I didn't FEEL that God was near.
There were many moments when I didn't FEEL God near. He seemed hidden, silent. He seemed as though He were just observing the situation. Observing me. What would I do? Would I still love Him? Would I trust Him ever again?

So, when my heart didn't feel HIM, something deeper than the emotion of feeling held me together.
Not a feeling. Just a knowing.
A knowing that even when I didn't get what I hoped for...Jesus must be enough.
A knowing that even when my theology seemed to have abandoned me...Jesus must be enough.
A knowing that even when life was cruel and God could have healed Andrew...Jesus must be enough.

Something deep within me would not give up on the sacrificial love of God.
After all, God LOVED so He gave.
Jesus LOVED, so He layed down His life.
For Andrew.
For me.
For you.

And somehow, in a way that my mind still cannot even comprehend, Jesus was enough for me.
And Jesus is enough for me.

The I Am IS. Enough.

Andrew called me outside one day to see his "grafitti" version of Jesus. See the crown?

What Would You Like To Hear?

Edited to add: (Thank you so much for your feedback. It's helping me. It really is! I'm feeling like a woman inspired. Please continue to add your input.) 

In about 3 weeks I will be speaking in front of an audience again for the first time in a year. I was scheduled to speak at a ladies' annual tea in the Baltimore area last September. However our world turned upside down when a year ago this same week in August we received the crushing news that our wonderful youngest son, Andrew, had brain cancer.

Andrew and Avery in background ~ just a few weeks before the diagnosis and without any symptoms

At the beginning of this month I asked God to help me (and our family) survive this month. I anticipated there would be some very hard moments, especially as we neared the actual "anniversary" week of the diagnosis.

Flashbacks of hearing the pediatrician give me his opinion of why Andrew had lost the use of the fingers on his left hand feel like a punch in the gut. The doctor had examined Andrew, then sat on his rolling stool at a computer screen. He talked as he scrolled through some information. Then he swore. "Damn!"

And I knew it was bad.

Andrew at Shands (3rd surgery) ~ a visit from Ted

I wanted to shield my beautiful 12 year old son, my baby, from ominous news. On the way from the office to a quickly scheduled mri, we held hands. I remember telling him that everything would be okay and we would find out what we had to do-do it, and no matter what...we were in it together.

I never could have imagined that day, that within 4 months, we would see Andrew's body lying in a casket. The last thing I did, before they asked us to leave the body and drive to the grave site, was to ask for a pair of scissors. My pastor brought me a pair.
I remember the quizzical, somewhat fearful, expressions on the faces around me.
I took the scissors and cut a piece of Andrew's hair. I needed a part of his physical self to keep with me.
I put the hair in a tithing envelope.
When I got home a few hours later, I put the envelope in my jewerly box - the one Andrew picked out for me for Christmas a year before.

And now it's been one year from the diagnosis and 8 months and 11 days from his passing to Heaven.

On spring break vacation with Dad in the pool

And in a few weeks I will stand in front of a group of wonderful women. Women who knew the storm we lived through. Women who fasted, prayed and gave a love offering to our family.
And I will speak.

So, I ask you, if you were sitting in that audience on September 18th, what would you want me to talk about?
Are there any questions you would ask me?

Yes, I have prayed. Yes, I have studied. Yes, I have thought about what to say.

The theme is "A Woman Inspired."
(There is an online conference site with this name but there is no connection between it and the tea.)

What a happy day! Mother's Day '09

Church Lady Runs

Read Church Lady Runs here.

Buttermilk pie

For I determined to know nothing...

Determination

This lovely, pink crepe myrtle resides in my neighbor's yard. However a branch has grown through a narrow slat in our fence. The slender branch made its way to bloom on our side of the divide. Lacy petals whisper a dogged determination to branch out and bloom against a weathered barrier ~ its image captured in the juxtaposition of a sunny blue sky and gossamer raindrops barely falling.

September 18-19, 2010, I will be branching out to speak in the Baltimore, MD, area.
Saturday @ 2:00 Ladies Annual Tea
Heritage Community Church
Severn, MD
Point of Contact: Joan Bowman, Ladies Ministry Director

http://www.heritage-cc.org/contact/JoanBowman

On Sunday in the morning worship time @ Heritage Community Church,
I will take part in the service, as well.
http://www.heritagecommchurch.org/

I only now noticed that this picture, taken of me last weekend, is against the same weathered fence as the background of the crepe myrtle - a photo I took today.

"And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling. And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." ~ 1 Corinthinans 2:2-5

A Care Package & A Prayer

Delicious!

Unceremoniously wrapped in wax paper, this is all that's left of the Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake.

Yesterday I delivered a little care package for a friend's son who left for college this morning. Amid a giant container of Twizzlers and some personal care products, was a container of Gooey Butter Cake bars.

(This is not my friend's son.)

And not my son, Avery, but definitely where he was heading beard-wise!

I was going to get him one of these for our cold Florida winters!

This is my son, Avery, 2 weeks ago! Imagine what it looked like this morning!

Avery asked if I were saving any Gooey Cake bars for him. Of course I was! I planned to do that even before he asked.

Avery and me...July 2010...Yay! He looks like this again after surprising me today by shaving his full beard!

This recipe is courtesy of Paula Deen and you can find it here on her website.

I have tried the yellow cake and now the chocolate. I have a spice cake mix and thought about that for our college boy, but Avery thought chocolate was the way to go.

Have you made this recipe? What variations have you tried? Last year I took a hiatus from sugar. (Hiatus! ~ sounds like I am a professional sugar cane grower or something.)

It was so beneficial. After 3 days, it's really easy to just say no to

sugar.

If you want your cake and eat it, too, share most of it with someone else and keep just a small portion for your enjoyment!

When I delivered the cake and the care package, I told my friend's son that he would be in our thoughts and our prayers. And I meant that.

Let's pray for our students whether they are in college, high school, middle school or the elementary grades.

In his book, Beyond Opinion, Ravi Zacharias, writes, "My view of college professors has been summarized well by one atheist writer: 'They will see me as just another liberal professor trying to cajole them out of some of their convictions, and they are dead right about that--that's what I am, and that's exactly what I am trying to do.' "

Based on Ephesians 1:17-19 and The Lord's Prayer:

"Our Father in Heaven, We glorify Your Name. We offer before You ourselves and those for whom we intercede. Standing in the gap for (my children: Audra and Avery), I petition that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to them a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of their heart may be enlightened, so that they may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. Lead my children away from temptation and deliver them from the evil one. Abba, strengthen my will and my heart and convict me to intercede on behalf of those weaker in the faith. May we resolve to have a faith that endures against all temptation, trial and pressure.

In the Name of the Son, Jesus, who fixed our way to Father,

Amen."

Have a beautiful day!

Faves

Some of my current faves.

We'll start with food. Why not?
Since my daughter and I started the South Beach eating plan last week, here are some of my fave meals.

Le petit dejeuner (breakfast...sounds nice in French, non?)
omelette filled with cheddar cheese, Canadian bacon, onion, with diced avocado over the top

Dejeuner (lunch)
Artisan greens and lovely Campari tomatoes I got from Sam's...(going back for more today) ~ Mixed greens, tomatoes, cilantro, fresh jalapeno, blue cheese crumbles, golden raisins, dried cranberries, pecans, blue cheese vinaigrette...and a seasoned hamburger patty! I know...that doesn't sound good but it is! Weirdly, the combination is delicious.

Le diner (dinner)
Another salad!

This summer I have been lax on eating fresh vegetables so it's good to catch up by eating salads. The key to prevent boredom is the combination of flavors. Try different types of lettuce...not just the trusty Romaine. Butter lettuces, artisan lettuce, baby spinach, a new to you salad dressing...slivered almonds, pecans, walnuts...goat cheese is so mild and delicious, too.

My favorite drink any time of year: Arnold Palmer

Here's how I do it: I brew my own tea and I like it strong. Currently I am using Lipton tea bags (Publix often has them as a BOGO), but I like Tetley quite a bit, too.
We buy Simply Lemonade (SL) and I just found it at Sam's Club for a great price. It's in a 2 pack for less than $4. Other than ChickFilA lemonade, I think it's the best.
We fix our AP's by the glass. I always have brewed tea available. I like less lemonade than my husband so fixing it by the glass works great for us.
Tervis tumbler + ice + home brewed tea (strong) + SL lemonade = my favorite drink!

Fave books at this time:
The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven by Kevin and Alex Malarkey, published by Tyndale. I found this book at Sam's Club. I think I was led to it. Amazing.
p. 114 "I had seen a lot of angels in Heaven, but that was when I wasn't in my body. After two months I finally came out of my coma, but I couldn't talk. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't say it. That was really hard."

p.47 -48 "Heaven is not the next world; it is now. Heaven is not up in the sky; it is everywhere and nowhere. Heaven is a place that is not a place. It's eternal. All other places end. Heaven is a time with no past, present, or future...it is always now. When I was in the car, I tried to move my legs. I realized that they would not move. I went through a light and I heard music. Then I was in the presence of God."

Heaven by Randy Alcorn published by Tyndale
p. 54 "Often our thinking is backwards. Why do we imagine that God patterns Heaven's holy city after an earthly city, as if Heaven knows nothing of community and culture and has to get its ideas from us? Isn't it more likely that earthly realities, including cities, are derived from heavenly counterparts? We tend to start with Earth and reason up toward Heaven, when instead we should start with Heaven and reason down toward Earth. It isn't merely an accomodation to our earthly familial structure, for instance, that God calls himself a father and us children. On the contrary, he created father-child relationshiops to display his relationship with us, just as he created human marriage to reveal the love relationship between Christ and his bride (Ephesians 5:32)."

p. 69 "If the martyrs in Heaven know that God hasn't yet brought judgment on their persecutors (Revelation 6:9-11), it seems evident that the inhabitants of the present Heaven can see what's happening on Earth, at least to some extent. When Babylon is brought down, an angel points to events happening on Earth and says, "Rejoice over her, O heaven! Rejoice, saints and apostles and prophets! God has judged her for the way she treated you" (Revelation 18:20). That the angel specifically addresses people living in Heaven indicates they're aware of what's happening on Earth."

Fave Activity: running and or walking with a friend
I am not a "let's do lunch or coffee" kind of woman. I like to move. I think I have an "issue" with feeling trapped when I am inside sitting down. I like the freedom of physical movement and the big sky and green grass, palm trees, flowers...scents of nature...birds flying...spotting wildlife even if it's just a turtle on the road of life...sandy beaches...


"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."
~ Albert Camus
One exception to "doing lunch or dinner" is the occasional "date night" we share with another couple. Good conversation, trying new food, kindred spirits...

"To like and dislike the same things, that is indeed true friendship." ~ Sallust
But, Jen, the jury is still out on my "like" of anchovies...one little salty fish at at time...

And just for fun...my shower buddy. Yeah...not that kind.
Olay total effects body wash ~

I think that about covers it: food for the body, spirit and soul. And a little moisturization helps, too.
Have a beautiful day!

"One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold (to perceive, contemplate with pleasure) the beauty of the Lord,
And to meditate in His temple."
Psalm 27:4