Stand Therefore

(Edited to add: Please know that I don't really have any answers. I used to think I did. All I have is THE ANSWER ~ Jesus. I'm just sharing my experiences and my thoughts.)
Last month. Those two words are thick in my mouth. Last month we still had our boy with us. We were exhausted in spirit, mind and body. The battle was fierce. At times my husband and I had no words between us. We saw in the eyes of the other pain, confusion, fear and love. And in those moments there was nothing to say. Sometimes my husband could only whisper to me, "I know."

Between us, we tried to encourage ourselves with scripture, the knowledge that God had already done so much, the Body of Christ fighting with us, and the flickers of hope that treatment would work. We hoped. We prayed. We cried.

Twice I remember asking my husband, "What do we do now?" What do we do?"
Both times his reply, "We stand."

And I, the Bible teacher, the speaker, the intercessor, the one who desired to go deep, asked, "How?"

"How do we do that?"

What does that look like?"

See, I know the scripture. I've quoted it. I've taught on it.

"... and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore..." (Ephesians 6:13,14 ~ KJV).

But in the fire of suffering, I needed to know how do I really stand.

After all, I had been standing...at the bedside, in the waiting rooms, across from surgeons, oncologists, and hospice representatives.

I had stood in church with arms straight up. Our boy with us, hoping, expecting, believing that "today was the day for his miracle."

I had stood in front of a mirror which reflected a worn, weary, desperate woman I barely recognized as me.

I had stood while on a phone crying hot tears with friends and family.

But where I NEVER wanted to stand was where we stood December 19, 2009. In a church with my boy's lifeless, shell lying in a box. His newest skateboard, the one he never got to ride, propped next to him.

So I have stood.

And having done all, I still stand.

Andrew jumped into this picture with us right before it was taken (12/08).

He wanted to stand with us and he did.

He stood. And...he stands.

(I'm not done but I have to stop. I'll be coming back because I have some thoughts on standing. And Ephesians 6 has so much more than the 8 words I wrote above.)

HOPEFUL FAMILY

~~~~~~~~~~Andrew, we miss you, sweet boy.~~~~~~~~~

This picture was taken by my sister-in-law at the dinner our church prepared following the service for our Andrew on 12/19/09.

Hard to see a "family" picture when one of your children is missing.

Missing.

I can't tell you how life is forever changed. Some of you know firsthand because your "family" pictures feel incomplete, too.

Missing.

I can tell you that my heart beats with hope. Hope because one day our family will be complete again.

Complete.

No one missing...

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A Few Pictures

Audra

Avery

Andrew

Toe "Jam", Ted, On Golden Streets

Last week, I got to "borrow" this little girly who just had her first birthday. She belongs to our friends. She liked "playing" my piano better with her feet than with her hands. My husband said to call this picture "Toe Jam." Good one, babe! Sometimes you are really quick. I'm glad I "let you catch" me all those years ago.

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I am tempted to call today a "very bad, no good, horrible day." It had some bad moments. But thank God for friends who continue to let me cry on their shoulders. Thank God for friends who keep checking on me by phone, text and email. Thank God for friends who fix our dinner.

My husband started his new job today. My daughter was at work and my son went to a friend's house from school. So I had a few hours with only Ted for company. And he napped a lot. Someone asked me, in a comment or email, how Ted (the dog) is doing with Andrew not here.

Andrew posed Ted for this picture. He told me this is what Ted does when no one is at home.

Andrew posed Ted for this one, too. When we were in Gainesville at Shands Hospital, Andrew asked for pictures of Ted.

It will be 3 years in April that Ted has been with us. He was Andrew's birthday present when he turned 10. No one else in the family wanted a pekingese. No one but Andrew and me. My husband was out of the country and he did not want a small dog. Neither one of the other kids wanted a pekingese either because they "look funny with their smooshy faces."

When my husband agreed by phone that we could get the peke pup, Andrew and I agreed that we would take care of the puppy and no one else would have to do anything. He would be "our" dog.

My parents brought Ted from Georgia and Andrew and I walked his new puppy that day. In reality, Andrew and I walked while he held Ted in his hands. We had been thinking about names as soon as his dad gave the go ahead on getting the puppy. While puppy walking I said, "He looks like a little teddy bear." Immediately Andrew said, "That's his name. Teddy Bear." Teddy Bear became Ted. E. Bear. Then Teddy. Then Mr. Ted. Then Teddy Boo. Then Tuppy Wear which became Puppy Wear. But mostly, he's just "Ted."

When Andrew got tired of the "medical stuff" and the "medical people," he would look at me and say one word. "Ted." Only he always pronounced it like "TayId." Like the southern way of making 2 syllables out of a one syllable word.

So this is the thing. While Ted is Andrew's dog, Ted bonded with my husband the most. Even though Andrew LOVED Ted, it was disappointing to him that Ted didn't love him like he wanted him too. Still, even a picture of Ted made Andrew happy.

But now I see it is good. Because if I had to watch Ted looking around the house for Andrew and moping, it would just be really hard. And it's already hard enough. And that is only one reason I asked God to give Andrew a puppy in heaven. And I really hope He has.

Ted & Reese

Andrew loves Reese, too. He walked Reese several times a week. Reese is Ted's girlfriend. When Andrew needed a wheelchair, his dad would push Andrew and walk Reese. Andrew would "walk" Ted.

The wheelchair is in the garage.

Andrew is walking streets of gold.

He is WALKING! Not holding onto a wall and lifting his foot with his hip muscle.

HE IS WALKING. And I can't wait to walk with him again.

I can't help but wonder if Andrew is walking with Jesus, a puppy trailing at their feet.

"And he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me I am his own. And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known." (Charles A. Miles, 1913)

This one just makes me smile.

Thank you, again, for your kindness, encouragement and prayers. It means so much to me.

My Favorite Artist and Other People I Love

"Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure, and whether it is right" Proverbs 20:11.
I have been going through Andrew's schoolwork. Bittersweet. Except for one week in August 2008, I home schooled him from kindergarten on. Looking through his Bible notebook, I found this scripture from Proverbs that Andrew had written. He had a daily assignment of reading a devotion from The One Year Book of Did You Know Devotions for Kids (365 days of trivia, memory verses and fun devotions). Either he would choose or I would choose a scripture that he would copy. He had one scripture each week to memorize.

Finding his artwork from when he was a little boy is so sweet to me. He often drew the two of us, and more likely than not, there was a lemon tree in the picture. Lemons are my favorite fruit. If you look closely, you will see that we have containers with lemons.
I love that we are holding hands. And I love that he spelled his name "ANEW." And I love that he tested out his colors on the right side. See the lines on the bottom right?
The second picture is done with markers and we are holding hands again. In the clouds, he has spelled his name. He left out the "e" at first and had to add it to the "r" cloud!
Well...Andrew is made "ANEW" and he is above the clouds. He is. He is in our future. He is in our eternity.
Those who trust in the Lord shall all be made "ANEW."
"He who testifies to these things says, 'Surely I am coming quickly.' Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus!" Revelation 22:20.

My son, Avery, wants to be an astronaut. He is serious, he tells me. A couple of years ago my husband bought the boys a telescope for Christmas. Avery said everytime he looks at the stars through the telescope he wants to travel there. This picture is from his homecoming '09.

His plans for today (Saturday) are to go to a "friend's" house and make cupcakes. Avery, you are going to bake? You go hungry before you will even fix your own sandwich! Your "friend" is really pretty, by the way.

Dad ties the tie. Dan is a wonderful husband and such a great dad. He takes good care of us. He starts a new job this week. Yesterday (Friday) he had outpatient surgery to remove the screws from his knee. It was hard for both of us to see all of the stuff at the surgical center. Of course, it brought painful memories of Andrew's hospital stays.

My lovely daughter, Audra, is a journalism student. She doesn't really wear glasses, or hats very often. She bikes and is training for a triathlon. She has a new beau.

I love Andrew!!! Always a Family of 5.

When Songs Give Place To Sighing

Earlier this week I got a phone call from my cousin, Joy. She and I have one of those relationships that runs deep. Very deep. I remember writing her a letter when I was in the second grade. My dad was pastoring a church in PA and it was my first experience with real snow and 3 foot icicles. (There wasn't snow like that where we were from.) Joy lived in the South, the Deep South. She still does.
Because my dad was a “church planter,” we lived all over the map. Joy was a constant in my life. She still is.

When she called me the other day, she reminded of the song I have sung many times, “His Eye Is On The Sparrow” (written by Mrs. Civilla D. Martin in 1905). The version I sing combines parts of the second and third verses. Joy’s church sang the full version last Sunday.

She shared this line (unfamiliar to me) from the third verse, “When songs give place to sighing…”
Joy said when she saw that phrase she thought of me. She has never had a child pass from earth to Heaven, although the shadow of death came close to her first born a few years ago. She and her family have seen more than their portion of hardship. To protect her privacy, I will not be more specific.

Last Sunday Joy united with me in grief when she sang, “When songs give place to sighing…” because she has experienced the sound of her own sighing in a sorrowful place.


The Psalmist, David, writes, “I am feeble and severely broken; I groan because of the turmoil of my heart. Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart pants, my strength fails me; As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me” Psalm 38:8-10.


Every night I sleep with Andrew’s fleece robe in my arms, holding the sleeve in my hand. Every morning, I kiss my son’s picture and I tell him, “Good Morning, Son. I miss you and I will see you soon. Very soon, I hope.” When that day comes my sighing will turn to singing. The refrain from
“Oh, I Want To See Him,” comes to mind this morning.
“Oh I want to see HIM, Look upon His face, there to sing forever of His saving grace. On the streets of Glory, let me lift my voice. Cares all past. Home at last. EVER TO REJOICE” (written by R.H. Cornelius in 1916).


Thank you for praying for my family...my son Avery (15) and my daughter, Audra (20). Thank you for praying for my husband and me. I am having a hard time with the images of Andrew in the last 24 hours of his life. They are very painful. I would ask that you pray specifically that I would not recall those sights. It breaks my broken heart all over again.

Edited/Question to Myself...

Edited to Add: I so appreciate the thoughtfulness which with you offer comforting words to me as you read what I write in my pain and loss. To Rebecca S. ~ I think you have recognized something you relate to in me. Perhaps it is because I am also a pastor's daughter and know very well the "ministry life." It is an unfamiliar place to be in...needing ministry from others. Somehow when Andrew was here and even a couple of weeks after he went to heaven, I had finally gotten to the place where I knew I had to rely on the Body of Christ to meet my needs. For that is most often how God meets our needs...through the hands, words and even checkbooks of His people.
For some reason, now I feel that I should be able to "pull it together" enough to at least act like I am "myself" again. To smile at people, even though the gravity of grief keeps my face in a perpetual grimace. To hold a "normal" conversation as though Andrew were just up the street skateboarding with his friends. To freely lift my hands in praise although my joyful emotions are "strait-jacketed." So I just want to thank you, for coming here to check on me, and to patiently read what I pour out. Just like many of you, writing helps me process my life.
And so...I write. I write with Andrew's pictures leaning against the monitor and with his paintings propped to the side of my desk. And in between writing and "doing life" in this house, I wander through the rooms and I see Andrew everywhere. And I ask God to let me really see Andrew in my dreams at night. And I ask God to let me see HIM and HIS purpose again in my life and in my family's life until we are all reunited on the "upside."
My love & gratitude,
Melanie


~~~~~~~ (photo by Linda Charlene)~~~~~~~~


Question to myself:


Can I learn something from me? I was revisiting my speaking topics a few days ago listed here.


And I wondered, "Can I learn from me?" I developed these speaking topics in preparation of applying to a speaker team. I carefully pulled from subject matter that I had previously taught to women's groups, Life Groups and Wednesday night Bible classes. I reworked, reviewed, researched and wrote.


Just when I was getting everything ready to submit to the speaker organization, 2009 hit! And I do mean hit.


My husband had a traumatic ski accident on Jan. 1, 2009, requring 10 days of hospitalization in CO, skin grafts, hyperbaric treatments and Percoset. I was teaching part time, homeschooling my precious Andrew and all the other things a wife and mother does AND MORE.


Then my husband's pay was cut in half. Then my husband and most of his coworkers were laid off.


THEN ANDREW WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER. (I HATE CANCER.)


And now our sweet boy is in Heaven and who knows when we'll see him again. Soon, I hope.


And so back to my question. "Can I learn something from me?"

I still want to be whole-ly His.


And I want to be diligent in keeping my heart.

I am especially concerned about being a resilient woman in the midst of missing Andrew.


So maybe the teacher can teach herself. I know one thing. I will not let the Enemy keep me down. I grieve and I mourn but I know Jesus is here in the middle of my storm. He never left. I have His promise on that. Every morning, reality hits before my feet hit the ground and every morning the reality of Andrew not being here hurts.



I emailed a friend today to tell her about a speaking opportunity I have (with Alisa) in NC in August. I told her this:



I just don’t feel like I have anything to say, except “You need Jesus.”


“Life is sometimes really hard.”


“And in conclusion, you need Jesus.”

I don’t think that would take longer than 10 seconds to say.



I told Jesus a couple of days ago, "If you give me something to say, I will say it. Otherwise I have nothing."